Children's T-Shirt Teacher

Monday Madness

2006-02-20T07:20:00.000-05:00

Grab a giggle or a grin,
As Another week begins ...
And share them with a friend!

BY The Inch

Rich, Eddie and Michael decided to visit a prostitute.

It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."

When Rich comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"

"$75 dollars." said Rich with a wink and a smile.

Eddie goes in and returns with a fee of $85, and several "high fives." The first two were proud of their prowess.

Michael goes in and returns. "How much did she charge you?" asks Rich.

"$20 dollars," replies Michael.

Both Rich and Eddie started laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys," replied Michael, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!!"

*******************************************************************

Chinese Torture Tests

A man was out in the Chinese wilderness and he was hopelessly lost. It had been nearly three weeks since he had eaten anything besides what he could forage and he had been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he came upon an old mansion in the woods. It had vines covering most of it and the man couldn’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he saw smoke coming out of the chimney.

He knocked on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the ground answered. The old man squinted his eyes and asked, "What do you want?"

The man said, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man said, "I'll let you come in on one condition. You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry, readily agreed. "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man replied, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Okay, Okay," the man said as he entered the old house.

That night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had gone many, many months without sex. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time.

The man crept back to his room later that night, thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

The next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign that said. "First Chinese torture test: 100-pound rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.

On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "Second Chinese torture test: right testicle tied to rock."

The rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, so he quickly jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the window was a third sign saying, "Third Chinese torture test: left testicle tied to bedpost."

************************************************************************

You know you are a teacher if...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

You have no life between August to June.

When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

(Now, tain't that the truth!)
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Grab your St Patricks Day 2006 t-shirts and gifts at SagArt.net and Children's T-Shirt Teacher!

Our child clothing boutique stocks designer kid clothing and designer baby clothing for all your shopping needs. Visit Children's T-Shirt Teacher's kid clothing store for original designed baby clothes and kid clothing for the newest trends in children's clothing.

Looking for a unique wedding gift or wedding party gift idea? Trying to find a 50th wedding anniverary gift or a wedding anniversary gift idea for a special couple? Our Wedding & Anniversary Gift shop has the latest in unique wedding gifts, wedding party gifts, traditional wedding anniversary gifts for everyone!

SagArt T-Shirt Designs offers the best humor t-shirts with funny t-shirt slogans that will keep them laughing!

Watch-Clock offers kitchen wall clocks, decorative wall clocks, contemporary wall clocks, novelty wall clocks, modern wall clocks, and retro wall clocks. We have large wall clocks for every room in your home or office.

SagArt's Wacky World

2006-02-18T14:20:00.000-05:00

Thanks to our SagArt fans, we have a healthy supply of great funnies to share with all of you. Now ya'll don't be greedy! Send them on to your family and friends that could use a smile today - even if you're afraid that a real smile might crack their face. It'll do em' good, and only hurts for a minute. Ya'll behave, and if you just can't manage it ... call me and I'll join ya'!
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Blonde Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
______________________________________________________

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
_____________________________________________________________

Grab your St Patricks Day 2006 t-shirts and gifts at SagArt.net and Children's T-Shirt Teacher!

Our child clothing boutique stocks designer kid clothing and designer baby clothing for all your shopping needs. Visit Children's T-Shirt Teacher's kid clothing store for original designed baby clothes and kid clothing for the newest trends in children's clothing.

Looking for a unique wedding gift or wedding party gift idea? Trying to find a 50th wedding anniverary gift or a wedding anniversary gift idea for a special couple? Our Wedding & Anniversary Gift shop has the latest in unique wedding gifts, wedding party gifts, traditional wedding anniversary gifts for everyone!

SagArt T-Shirt Designs offers the best humor t-shirts with funny t-shirt slogans that will keep them laughing!

Watch-Clock offers kitchen wall clocks, decorative wall clocks, contemporary wall clocks, novelty wall clocks, modern wall clocks, and retro wall clocks. We have large wall clocks for every room in your home or office.

Giggles And Grins!

2006-02-17T12:24:00.000-05:00

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the Priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

In other words, he goes to a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

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KANSAS GIRLS:

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had been giving their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Colorado, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Oklahoma. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Kansas girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything.

The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, run the vacuum, do a load of laundry, load the dishwasher, and go out and mow the lawn.

Aaahhh, a Kansas girl !

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The Honeymoon!

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"

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Bubba and Earl

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
_____________________________________________________

Grab your St Patricks Day 2006 t-shirts and gifts at SagArt.net and Children's T-Shirt Teacher!

Our child clothing boutique stocks designer kid clothing and designer baby clothing for all your shopping needs. Visit Children's T-Shirt Teacher's kid clothing store for original designed baby clothes and kid clothing for the newest trends in children's clothing.

Looking for a unique wedding gift or wedding party gift idea? Trying to find a 50th wedding anniverary gift or a wedding anniversary gift idea for a special couple? Our Wedding & Anniversary Gift shop has the latest in unique wedding gifts, wedding party gifts, traditional wedding anniversary gifts for everyone!

SagArt T-Shirt Designs offers the best humor t-shirts with funny t-shirt slogans that will keep them laughing!

Watch-Clock offers kitchen wall clocks, decorative wall clocks, contemporary wall clocks, novelty wall clocks, modern wall clocks, and retro wall clocks. We have large wall clocks for every room in your home or office.

Grab A Giggle!

2006-02-15T20:20:00.000-05:00

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.

He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

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Would You Do It?

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little ready. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you do it with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and do it, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come herself and do it, But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
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The Old Rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? .

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
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Open Mouth, Insert Foot!

2006-02-12T20:11:00.000-05:00

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with all your friends who love - but sometimes hate their computer!
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Grab your St Patricks Day 2006 t-shirts and gifts at SagArt.net and Children's T-Shirt Teacher!

Our child clothing boutique stocks designer kid clothing and designer baby clothing for all your shopping needs. Visit Children's T-Shirt Teacher's kid clothing store for original designed baby clothes and kid clothing for the newest trends in children's clothing.

Looking for a unique wedding gift or wedding party gift idea? Trying to find a 50th wedding anniverary gift or a wedding anniversary gift idea for a special couple? Our Wedding & Anniversary Gift shop has the latest in unique wedding gifts, wedding party gifts, traditional wedding anniversary gifts for everyone!

SagArt T-Shirt Designs offers the best humor t-shirts with funny t-shirt slogans that will keep them laughing!

Watch-Clock offers kitchen wall clocks, decorative wall clocks, contemporary wall clocks, novelty wall clocks, modern wall clocks, and retro wall clocks. We have large wall clocks for every room in your home or office.

Crazy Funnies!

2006-02-11T15:11:00.000-05:00

A Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
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Personals Ad

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

(Men are so easy).
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If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days
when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you
be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose
do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
___________________________________________
Our chlid clothing boutique stocks designer kid clothing and designer baby clothing for all your shopping needs. Visit Children's T-Shirt Teacher's kid clothing store for original designed baby clothes and kid clothing for the newest trends in children's clothing.

Looking for a unique wedding gift or wedding party gift idea? Trying to find a 50th wedding anniverary gift or a wedding anniversary gift idea for a special couple? Our Wedding & Anniversary Gift shop has the latest in unique wedding gifts, wedding party gifts, traditional wedding anniversary gifts for everyone!

SagArt T-Shirt Designs offers the best humor t-shirts with funny t-shirt slogans that will keep them laughing!

Watch-Clock offers kitchen wall clocks, decorative wall clocks, contemporary wall clocks, novelty wall clocks, mordern wall clocks, and retro wall clocks. We have large wall clocks for every room in your home or office.

PONDERISMS

2006-02-10T07:34:00.000-05:00

PONDERISMS

* * I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most
people die of natural causes.

* * Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out
of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* * The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

* * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* * There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

* * Life is sexually transmitted.

* * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* * The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* * Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* * Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

* * Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

* * Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

* * All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

* * In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

* * Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

* * Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

* * Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

* * If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about
him?

* * Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

* * Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?

* * If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

* * If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

* * Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

* * Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

* * Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive
faster?

* * Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
____________________________________
Our chlid clothing boutique stocks designer kid clothing and designer baby clothing for all your shopping needs. Visit Children's T-Shirt Teacher's kid clothing store for original designed baby clothes and kid clothing for the newest trends in children's clothing.

Looking for a unique wedding gift or wedding party gift idea? Trying to find a 50th wedding anniverary gift or a wedding anniversary gift idea for a special couple? Our Wedding & Anniversary Gift shop has the latest in unique wedding gifts, wedding party gifts, traditional wedding anniversary gifts for everyone!

SagArt T-Shirt Designs offers the best humor t-shirts with funny t-shirt slogans that will keep them laughing!

Watch-Clock offers kitchen wall clocks, decorative wall clocks, contemporary wall clocks, novelty wall clocks, mordern wall clocks, and retro wall clocks. We have large wall clocks for every room in your home or office.

More Fun For Everyone!

2006-02-09T17:48:00.000-05:00

Three Hillbillies are shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air conditioner.."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so Stupid, she bought one of them New fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is Dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other Day lookin' fer some change, And I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker.
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Cool stuff to do at Wal-Mart to brighten up your day ....

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in the House ware department to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ..... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
__________________________________________________
Our child clothing boutique stocks designer kid clothing and designer baby clothing for all your shopping needs. Visit Children's T-Shirt Teacher's kid clothing store for original designed baby clothes and kid clothing for the newest trends in children's clothing.

Looking for a unique wedding gift or wedding party gift idea? Trying to find a 50th wedding anniverary gift or a wedding anniversary gift idea for a special couple? Our Wedding & Anniversary Gift shop has the latest in unique wedding gifts, wedding party gifts, traditional wedding anniversary gifts for everyone!

SagArt T-Shirt Designs offers the best humor t-shirts with funny t-shirt slogans that will keep them laughing!

Watch-Clock offers kitchen wall clocks, decorative wall clocks, contemporary wall clocks, novelty wall clocks, mordern wall clocks, and retro wall clocks. We have large wall clocks for every room in your home or office.

Smoochin!

2006-02-06T12:01:00.000-05:00

_________________________________________

Our chlid clothing boutique stocks designer kid clothing and designer baby clothing for all your shopping needs. Visit Children's T-Shirt Teacher's kid clothing store for original designed baby clothes and kid clothing for the newest trends in children's clothing.

Looking for a unique wedding gift or wedding party gift idea? Trying to find a 50th wedding anniverary gift or a wedding anniversary gift idea for a special couple? Our Wedding & Anniversary Gift shop has the latest in unique wedding gifts, wedding party gifts, traditional wedding anniversary gifts for everyone!

SagArt T-Shirt Designs offers the best humor t-shirts with funny t-shirt slogans that will keep them laughing!

Watch-Clock offers kitchen wall clocks, decorative wall clocks, contemporary wall clocks, novelty wall clocks, mordern wall clocks, and retro wall clocks. We have large wall clocks for every room in your home or office.

Cracking Up!

2006-02-04T21:52:00.000-05:00

Churchill Downs

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

_________________________________________

Cowboy Boots

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten
students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help & she could see why. Even with her pulling and him
pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the 2nd
boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling
the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't
you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him
pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots.
My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month . ..

_____________________________________________
Capture someone's heart with SagArt T-Shirt Designs Valentine's Day Products ... the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts.

Grab a Valentine t-shirt or gift for your kids at Children's T-Shirt Teacher and put a little more love in their life.

Time's A Wasting! Check out Watch_Clock for the best wall clocks on the web! They even have a few wall clocks where time runs backwards! I could use a few of those!

If you're planning a wedding or have an anniversary coming up, you owe it to yourself to check out our NEW Wedding Anniversary gifts and apparel shop!

Be Careful What You Wish For!

2006-02-03T21:09:00.000-05:00

Be Careful What You Wish For!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the! man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it! , a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Just Joking Around!

2006-02-02T11:22:00.000-05:00

Another Blonde On The Loose!

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for the computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo. I've got Windoooooows!"
____________________________

IDLE THOUGHTS

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible. And I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a 20-penny nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?
_____________________________________________
Capture someone's heart with SagArt T-Shirt Designs Valentine's Day Products ... the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts.

Grab a Valentine t-shirt or gift for your kids at Children's T-Shirt Teacher and put a little more love in their life.

Time's A Wasting! Check out Watch_Clock for the best wall clocks on the web! They even have a few wall clocks where time runs backwards! I could use a few of those!

If you're planning a wedding or have an anniversary coming up, you owe it to yourself to check out our NEW Wedding Anniversary gifts and apparel shop!

Funnies For Everyone!

2006-01-30T06:54:00.000-05:00

Dear SagArt Fans:

Because we all like to have a fun and share a laugh, SagArt appreciates all the funnies you send to us each day. In hopes of getting caught up on posting some of your great contributions, today's post is extra long for your enjoyment and sharing with friends. Keep those funnies coming and thank you for all the comments we get supporting our blog. Have a wonderful day!
***********************************

Old Geezers

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was,could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitation, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
____________________________________________________________

If y'all like online puzzles .... You might like this one ...

http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/pac_ctnt_988/text/0,,HGTV_22056_38262,00.html

Have Fun, SagArt
________________________________________________________________
Looking For A Pet

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the mall with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the mall with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the mall with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the mall with me?!"

A little voice finally replied, "Geeez, I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

_______________________________________________________________
The Marine

By the time a Marine pulled into a little motel he was worn out. ''You've got to have a room somewhere,'' he pleaded. ''Or just a bed, I don't care where.'' '

'Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,'' said the Indian, ''and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have been complaining. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.''

''No problem,'' the tired Marine assured him. ''I'll take it.''

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ''How'd you sleep?'' asked the manager.

''Never better.'' The Indian was impressed. ''No problem with the other guy snoring, then?''

''Nope, I shut him up in no time,'' said the Marine.

''How'd you manage that?'' asked the manager.

''He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,'' the Marine explained. ''I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.''
_____________________________________________________________

Y'all may won't to visit this fun website and mess up a celebrity's face ....

http://www.picwarp.com/

Go for it, SagArt.

____________________________________________________________

This is a good one ....

1. Go to www.google.com

2. Type in >>> french military victories

3. Instead of hitting "Google Search" hit "I'm feeling lucky"

Hope you get a good laugh! ... We sure did!

Thanks to a SagArt fan!

_______________________________________________________________

Contempt Of Court

Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.

Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.

"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.

His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"

Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."

The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"

_______________________________________________________________

The worst job ...

When you have an "I hate my job day" ... try this. On your way home from work, stop by your local pharmacy and visit the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.Be sure that you purchase this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, close the shades and disconnect the phone so that you will not be disturbed. Change into some comfortable clothing, have a glass of wine, sit in your favorite chair and open the package and remove the thermometer. Now carefully place it on the table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Here is where the fun part begins. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a disclaimer that states, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested". Now close your eyes have a sip of wine and repeat out loud five times, " I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson & Johnson"!!!!

Have a wonderful day! And remember, there is always someone else who is worse off than you.
_____________________________________________________________

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

**********************************

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go b! ack to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
___________________________________________

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,sir, I think it is just fair giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

________________________________________________________
Capture someone's heart with SagArt T-Shirt Designs Valentine's Day Products ... the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts.

Grab a Valentine t-shirt or gift for your kids at Children's T-Shirt Teacher and put a little more love in their life.

Time's A Wasting! Check out Watch_Clock for the best wall clocks on the web! They even have a few wall clocks where time runs backwards! I could use a few of those!

If you're planning a wedding or have an anniversary coming up, you owe it to yourself to check out our NEW Wedding Anniversary gifts and apparel shop!

How To Poop At Work

2006-01-29T05:27:00.000-05:00

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left your pants.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting ! out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter
in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved.! Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the
water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up
the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building
where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a p! oop at work If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is
very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
! immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting
the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
withan Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the
mirror or sitting on ! the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to
relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part
of life!
___________________________________________
Capture someone's heart with SagArt T-Shirt Designs Valentine's Day Products ... the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts.

Grab a Valentine t-shirt or gift for your kids at Children's T-Shirt Teacher and put a little more love in their life.

Time's A Wasting! Check out Watch_Clock for the best wall clocks on the web! They even have a few wall clocks where time runs backwards! I could use a few of those!

If you're planning a wedding or have an anniversary coming up, you owe it to yourself to check out our NEW Wedding Anniversary gifts and apparel shop!

Abbott And Costello Fun!

2006-01-26T08:02:00.000-05:00

A hello and good Thursday morning to all our buddies out there!

If you like old movies or are old even to remember the two above ... this is a good one!

If any of you are thinking of buying a computer, this may help you....

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"............
_________________________________________________

Capture someone's heart with SagArt T-Shirt Designs Valentine's Day Products ... the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts.

Grab a Valentine t-shirt or gift for your kids at Children's T-Shirt Teacher and put a little more love in their life.

Time's A Wasting! Check out Watch_Clock for the best wall clocks on the web! They even have a few wall clocks where time runs backwards! I could use a few of those!

If you're planning a wedding or have an anniversary coming up, you owe it to yourself to check out our NEW Wedding Anniversary gifts and apparel shop!

Let's Have Fun!

2006-01-25T08:08:00.000-05:00

Finally, after years and years of searching Popeye found his mother! I heard it on the news and admittedly it brought tears to SagArt's eyes and a craving for spinach!

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Bringing a new meaning to the phrase, "OH SHI-T-T-T!"

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Okie-Dokey, SagArt readers! Now it's time for a little "Male Bashing!"

Yep, you heard me correctly ... I said "Male Bashing!" So all you fellars' that are a tad bit sensitive need to go do something important like ... picking the lint out of your navel.

Awh-h-h, don't cry! SagArt promises to post more of your "Blonde Jokes" and "Woman Bashing" funnies the next time around just for you. Now be a good boy and go play!

I got the following from a favorite SagArt reader for all you ladies, so enjoy!
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day! And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it! (Oh, and you can let the fellars' back into the room before they develop a complex!)
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Capture someone's heart with SagArt T-Shirt Designs Valentine's Day Products ... the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts.

Grab a Valentine t-shirt or gift for your kids at Children's T-Shirt Teacher and put a little more love in their life.

Time's A Wasting! Check out Watch_Clock for the best wall clocks on the web! They even have a few wall clocks where time runs backwards! I could use a few of those!

If you're planning a wedding or have an anniversary coming up, you owe it to yourself to check out our NEW Wedding Anniversary gifts and apparel shop!

Crabby Wife And Jackass!

2006-01-23T17:29:00.000-05:00

I bet you thought the heading read, Crabby Wife was a Jackass! Gotcha!

CRABBY WIFE!!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage
man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,"
said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said,
"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which
do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said,
"Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body
in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the
good news?"

The trooper continued,
"When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6
good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded,
"If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
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THE DONKEY AUCTION

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he’s dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron!
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Capture someone's heart with SagArt T-Shirt Designs Valentine's Day Products ... the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts.

Grab a Valentine t-shirt or gift for your kids at Children's T-Shirt Teacher and put a little more love in their life.

Time's A Wasting! Check out Watch_Clock for the best wall clocks on the web! They even have a few wall clocks where time runs backwards! I could use a few of those!

If you're planning a wedding or have an anniversary coming up, you owe it to yourself to check out our NEW Wedding Anniversary gifts and apparel shop!

Funny Answers To Questions

2006-01-21T05:42:00.000-05:00

We've got a goodie for you. Here are some unanswered questions that we all ponder.

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2..00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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4. If 4 out o f 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?!

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9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

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10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergym! en defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

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17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

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18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells
"THEIRS"!
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Climb onboard the Maxine for President Campaign as this old gal has got what it takes to straighten this country out right fast! Full of piss and vinegar, vote Maxine for President 2008!

Grab the original “Maxine for President 2008” campaign gear here and give the folks at home something to gossip about. Oh, and Maxine is not soliciting campaign funds (she ain’t a gonna’ be bought by anyone), but if you’re adamant about making a donation to her campaign … she could use another pair of support hose.

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Capture someone's heart with SagArt T-Shirt Designs Valentine's Day Products ... the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts.

Grab a Valentine t-shirt or gift for your kids at Children's T-Shirt Teacher and put a little more love in their life.

Time's A Wasting! Check out Watch_Clock for the best wall clocks on the web! They even have a few wall clocks where time runs backwards! I could use a few of those!,br>

Going Mental!

2006-01-19T09:24:00.000-05:00

I'VE GONE MENTAL

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?"
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Climb onboard the Maxine for President Campaign as this old gal has got what it takes to straighten this country out right fast! Full of piss and vinegar, vote Maxine for President 2008!

Grab the original “Maxine for President 2008” campaign gear here and give the folks at home something to gossip about. Oh, and Maxine is not soliciting campaign funds (she ain’t a gonna’ be bought by anyone), but if you’re adamant about making a donation to her campaign … she could use another pair of support hose.

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King Arthur and the Witch

2006-01-18T06:24:00.000-05:00

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Now this is one for the guys to note and the women to print out and place in obvious place where their guy will constantly reminded of how it all works!
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Capture someone's heart with SagArt T-Shirt Designs Valentine's Day Products ... the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts.

Grab a Valentine t-shirt or gift for your kids at Children's T-Shirt Teacher and put a little more love in their life.

Time's A Wasting! Check out Watch_Clock for the best wall clocks on the web! They even have a few wall clocks where time runs backwards! I could use a few of those!,br>

President Maxine Works For Me!

2006-01-16T08:48:00.000-05:00

Climb onboard the Maxine for President Campaign as this old gal has got what it takes to straighten this country out right fast! Full of piss and vinegar, vote Maxine for President 2008!

Grab the original “Maxine for President 2008” campaign gear here and give the folks at home something to gossip about. Oh, and Maxine is not soliciting campaign funds (she ain’t a gonna’ be bought by anyone), but if you’re adamant about making a donation to her campaign … she could use another pair of support hose.

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A Southern Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones,
do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
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Capture someone's heart with SagArt T-Shirt Designs Valentine's Day Products ... the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts.

Grab a Valentine t-shirt or gift for your kids at Children's T-Shirt Teacher and put a little more love in their life.

Time's A Wasting! Check out Watch_Clock for the best wall clocks on the web! They even have a few wall clocks where time runs backwards! I could use a few of those!,br>

Maxine 2008 President

2006-01-14T06:46:00.000-05:00

Yes Sir-e-e-e, SagArt is working hard riling up the natives in support of the only Presidential candidate that can “put things to right” in America, … Maxine!

Maxine was recently asked by another Presidential candidate about what ill-conceived thought had possessed her which allowed her to believe she was qualified to run for President of the United States? Her response was:

“I’ve been watching you long enough that I know exactly what not to do! Now, how would you like me to pinch your head off and squat down your neck?!”

You just gotta’ love that gal! The train is about to leave the stationhouse, so grab you a seat onboard the Maxine for President 2008 express.

Here are some Maxine moments for you to share with your friends.

Climb onboard the Maxine for President Campaign as this old gal has got what it takes to straighten this country out right fast! Full of piss and vinegar, vote Maxine for President 2008!

Grab the original “Maxine for President 2008” campaign gear here and give the folks at home something to gossip about. Oh, and Maxine is not soliciting campaign funds (she ain’t a gonna’ be bought by anyone), but if you’re adamant about making a donation to her campaign … she could use another pair of support hose.

Presidential Candidate Maxine

2006-01-13T10:21:00.000-05:00

Dang it all! I’m sick to the point of death with all the political warfare going on between the political parties here in America. The ongoing war between the political parties seems to escalate daily as the 2008 Presidential Election looms on the horizon. Ya’ can’t even visit public bathrooms without being subjected to some cryptic message written on the bathroom wall demeaning one of the political parties. It’s enough to lock up your bowels for a week!

If that’s not bad enough … try getting out of church without having a brochure shoved in your face proclaiming that you are or are not a Christian if you support this or that Presidential candidate.

Love thy neighbor has taken on a new twist in some of our Godly institutions and I seriously doubt the Good Lord is endorsing any particular political party considering the level of corruption that plagues all political parties. Getting out of bed on Sunday morning is getting harder every week!

And, forget the idea of a friendly debate of party platforms between fellow Americans! No sireeee, that tain’t the way it works. As a duly installed member of a political party you are required by unwritten doctrine to draw and quarter members of the opposing political party … bury their remains in a shallow grave and hope the wolves come down out of the hills to feast upon their carcass.

Yep, a bunch of us have had our fill of the shenanigans of the political parties and went out and found us a Presidential candidate we could support that didn’t require us to show our butts or to “take out” a family member or friend. So, ……

If you’re tired of the incessant bashing between political parties and feed up with all the bull and hogwash of the political party campaigns, we’ve got the candidate for you!

Climb onboard the Maxine for President Campaign bandwagon as this old gal has got what it takes to straighten this country out right fast! Full of piss and vinegar, vote Maxine for President 2008!

Grab the original “Maxine for President 2008” campaign gear here and give the folks at home something to gossip about. Oh, and Maxine is not soliciting campaign funds (she ain’t a gonna’ be bought by anyone), but if you’re adamant about making a donation to her campaign … she could use another pair of support hose.

Maxine For President!

2006-01-12T07:40:00.000-05:00

One of our SagArt fans just produced the perfect solution to unite the people of our country and to stop the incessant political bickering that tears at the fabric of our nation.

Personally, I am jumping onboard this campaign and will dust off my tennis shoes and run door to door campaigning for her (yes, I said "her" - so get over it!). If you're not registered to vote (shame on you) get off your backside and get it done now as I will be on your doorstep come 2008 to drag your sorry butt to the polls!

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008

Here we are already discussing the future President of the United
States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure
that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution:
It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope
yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.
PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment....

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!

Very eloquently put............don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety"
"I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Life"
"Life is like an oven. It burns my ass!"

Maxine on "Housework"
"I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care"
"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man"
"All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution"
"My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging"
"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

"My thoughts exactly"

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead. (So true!)

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If you don't forward this to ten of your friends within the next five minutes,
your belly button will fall off. Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

So don't forget, November 2008: VOTE FOR MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

There's no one better for the job!!!

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Browse our shop full of funny t-shirts and get something special for your Valentine at SagArt T-Shirt Designs.

Discover the absolute best unusual unique wall clocks on the net at our Watch Clock shop!

Give your children a Smart Start in school with our children's t-shirts and gifts at Children's T-Shirt Teacher.

Oops!

2006-01-11T07:53:00.000-05:00

Once again, I want to thank all who send in these great stories, jokes and funnies. We've got a backlog of "Ha-Ha's" that will keep our readers happy and always looking for more, so keep sending them in.

If you think you have made a few mistakes and said, "Oops! I shouldn't have done that", then I've got something to make you feel better. Here are some big "Oops" to make your little "Oops" seem insignificant by comparison.

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Browse our shop full of funny t-shirts and get something special for your Valentine at SagArt T-Shirt Designs.

Discover the absolute best unusual unique wall clocks on the net at our Watch Clock shop!

Give your children a Smart Start in school with our children's t-shirts and gifts at Children's T-Shirt Teacher.

Oh My Goodness!

2006-01-10T08:35:00.000-05:00

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly 8:00a.m.

The next day at 8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind
schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stnds Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pull's himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday.............

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

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JUST OFF CNN, OR ENN, (Not sure)
BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD

Crawford, Texas 12/29/2005 --

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both books were kept. Both of his books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated as he had almost finished coloring the second one. The White House tried to contact the Federal Emergency Management Agency, but there was no answer.

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Browse our shop full of funny t-shirts and get something special for your Valentine at SagArt T-Shirt Designs.

Discover the absolute best unusual unique wall clocks on the net at our Watch Clock shop!

Give your children a Smart Start in school with our children's t-shirts and gifts at Children's T-Shirt Teacher.

Start The Day Laughing

2006-01-09T07:55:00.000-05:00

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT:

THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Saturday, Dec. 31,2005

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all the guys that you think can stand the heat, and to all the ladies for the best chuckle of their day!
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Sherlock Homles And Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!"

"I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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A Good Laugh

2006-01-01T18:42:00.000-05:00

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

Need I say anymore . . . AMEN
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ATTENTION! VIRUS WARNING

2006-01-01T06:01:00.000-05:00

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!
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Keeping Kids Busy

2005-12-29T06:39:00.000-05:00

School holidays:

"Mom, I'm bored". These are the most terrifying words in the English language, apart from "Please be patient. Your call will be answered."

The thought of weeks of children hanging around the house looking for something to do, requires parents to be very resourceful in order to keep their children occupied and themselves sane.

Merely dropping off children at the nearest shopping centre is a copout, and frankly rather irresponsible. Unless there is a supervised programme or a particular movie the children want to see, hanging around a shopping centre aimlessly is not a healthy way to pass the time for children.

But there are alternatives that won't necessarily cost you an arm and a leg.

Some ideas for keeping kids busy:

Club together with one or two other parents whose children get on well with yours. In this way you can share some of the planning and entertainment responsibilities and also get some time off for yourself.

Libraries, museums, aquariums and churches often have special programmes during the holiday seasons. The activities presented often include storytelling sessions, puppet shows, guided walks in nature parks, art classes, bookmaking, paper folding, face painting and supervised games.

Phone art centres, art galleries or local schools to find out if there are any special courses during the holiday. These are usually entertaining, presented by professionals and teach children useful skills while keeping them occupied.

Find out if there are summer camps for children in your area. This is useful especially if you are working and are unable to spend time with your children or take them on holiday.

Television, videos and computer games have their place, and function well as electronic babysitters, but these do not encourage much creativity or imagination and therefore have their limitations. Children should not spend more than two or three hours per day maximum staring at a screen.

Children are seldom bored if they have a friend with them. The presence of a friend turns even a mundane happening into an adventure.

Teach your older children how to bake a cake or prepare a meal. You never know when it might come in very handy that your 13-year-old son cooks good spaghetti bolognaise and your daughter knows all about cheese scones. Get them to clean up.

Board and card games travel well and can keep children occupied for hours. From Pictionary, to Monopoly to Trivial Pursuit - the list is endless.

Get children reading. Take them to a kilo book shop (give them a fixed amount to spend and let them choose their own books as they are much more likely to read them) or the library. Encourage them to get involved in a series of books, such as the Harry Potter books or Tolkien's hobbit epics.

Involve children in some ongoing project, such as redecorating their room, or making something to sell on a craft market.

Rent a house on a farm and go away for a week. Farmhouses (phone Tourist Information Bureaus for availability and rates) more than an hour from the city are usually ridiculously cheap and large and can often accommodate more than one family. The more children the better, as they entertain each other.

Get children involved in some ecological project, like cleaning penguins, doing a beach cleanup, helping to remove alien vegetation, helping out at a bird sanctuary. Feeling useful and needed is a great antidote to boredom.

Older children might enjoy going on organised hikes or adventure camps of some sort. It is also a way of meeting new people.

Susan Erasmus Your Health
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New Year's Resolutions for Kids

2005-12-28T06:10:00.000-05:00

Preschoolers

I will clean up my toys.

I will brush my teeth twice a day, and wash my hands after going to the bathroom and before eating.

I won't tease dogs - even friendly ones. I will avoid being bitten by keeping my fingers and face away from their mouths.

Kids, 5- to 12-years-old

I will drink milk and water, and limit soda and fruit drinks.

I will apply sunscreen before I go outdoors. I will try to stay in the shade whenever possible and wear a hat and sunglasses, especially when I'm playing sports.

I will try to find a sport (like basketball or soccer) or an activity (like playing tag, jumping rope, dancing or riding my bike) that I like and do it at least three times a week!

I will always wear a helmet when bicycling.

I will wear my seat belt every time I get in a car. I'll sit in the back seat and use a booster seat until I am tall enough to use a lap/shoulder seat belt.

I'll be nice to other kids. I'll be friendly to kids who need friends - like someone who is shy, or is new to my school.

I'll never give out personal information such as my name, home address, school name or telephone number on the Internet. Also, I'll never send a picture of myself to someone I chat with on the computer without my parent's permission.

Kids, 13-years-old and up

I will eat at least one fruit and one vegetable every day, and I will limit the amount of soda I drink.

I will take care of my body through physical activity and nutrition.

I will choose non-violent television shows and video games, and I will spend only one to two hours each day - at the most - on these activities.

I will help out in my community - through volunteering, working with community groups or by joining a group that helps people in need.

I will wipe negative "self talk" (i.e. "I can't do it" or "I'm so dumb") out of my vocabulary.

When I feel angry or stressed out, I will take a break and find constructive ways to deal with the stress, such as exercising, reading, writing in a journal or discussing my problem with a parent or friend.

When faced with a difficult decision, I will talk with an adult about my choices.
I will be careful about whom I choose to date, and always treat the other person with respect and without coercion or violence.

I will resist peer pressure to try drugs and alcohol.

Copyright 2005 - American Academy of Pediatrics

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New Year's For Kids

2005-12-27T09:33:00.000-05:00

New Years Eve Party For Kids
Ring in the new year together with these fun and kid-friendly ideas.

Over the years parents have asked me how they can create a kid-friendly New Years Eve party. My answer...
"Put away the formal gowns and champagne and bring out the board games, party hats and sleeping bags!

Begin with an invitation to one or two other families/relatives that may want
to join your New Year's Eve Family Bash (sleepover is optional).
Add festive hats, noisemakers, balloons party items and decorations.
Magazines from throughout the year placed around the party area,
make great conversation starters.

Here are some New Year's activities that are sure to please:
-Play "balloon volleyball" with several silver and gold balloons.
You'll want a large space, free of fragile items. Don't let the balloons
touch the floor. -- then after midnight you can all sit on the balloons
until they pop!

-Craft your own noisemakers by filling empty plastic pop bottles with dry beans. Cover them with construction paper, wrapping paper, stickers etc.
Tie several strands of curling ribbon to the top.
At midnight...run outside and make a lot of noise!

-It wouldn't be New Years Eve without elaborate party hats.
Purchase several paint caps from your local paint or hardware store.
Party guests will use permanent markers or gel pens, feathers, and other adornments to embellish their own hat. For fast drying time, use a glue gun when necessary. Then have a contest for the
funniest, most exotic, creative etc...

-Make a family digest of the year gone by. Use printer paper, a three hole punch, construction paper and a glue stick to construct and decorate your book. Add family photos taken throughout the year. Mom, Dad or older children can write the captions.

-Have a search for hidden party poppers. You can make your own with
cardboard TP rolls and wrapping paper, or purchase them in the holiday section of most stores.

-Camp out in your family room and merely enjoy each others company.

-Create a "Time Capsule" with an empty tennis ball container.
Fill the inside with pictures, mementos, and comments about what is currently happening in the world and with your family. Go out and bury
it in the back yard.

-Board Game Mix Up - My kids love this !
Combine several board game pieces and rules to create a new game.

-Make a tent in the living room big enough for everyone to sleep in.

-Play traditional parlor games such as 20 questions, Who Am I and
"I'm going on a trip..."

Amazing Moms
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Great Jokes for Everyone!

2005-12-26T05:48:00.000-05:00

Where Do Redheaded Babies Come From ???

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be; our families on both sides have had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

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LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE MATH TEACHER

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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TEXAS HUMOR!

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, 'You graduated from University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

"Everything but my earrings."

(You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)

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A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

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A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

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The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

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NEWS FLASH! -

Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna 150 plane, piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station cemetery earlier today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

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A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

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A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it either.

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A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without You, we are but dust "

He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

(Church was pretty much over at that point.)
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New Year's Resolutions

2005-12-23T06:40:00.000-05:00

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.

7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

11. Not have eight children at once.

12. Get in a whole NEW rut!

13. Start being superstitious.

14. Personal goal: bring back disco.

15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.

16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

22. Not eat cloned meat.

23. Create loose ends.

24. Get more toys.

25. Get further in debt.

26. Not believe politicians.

27. Break at least one traffic law.

28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

31. Stay off the MIR space station.

32. Not worry that a computer bug will cause the end of the world.

33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

34. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

35. Associate with even worse business clients.

36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

37. Wait around for opportunity.

38. Focus on the faults of others.

39. Mope about my faults.

40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
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More Christmas Jokes!

2005-12-22T07:28:00.000-05:00

A Christmas Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one Christmas wish."

The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing is wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Take a moment and share these holiday cartoons with your friends and put a smile on their faces today.

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SagArt T-Shirt Designs, home of the funny t-shirts ... and Children's T-Shirt Teacher, home of fantastic children's clothing and gifts ... Wishes you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

2005-12-21T09:49:00.000-05:00

Dirty Christmas

1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I`ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you've been bad or good ... so let's skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it)
8. I see you when you're sleeping ... and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
9. Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list!
10. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?

Here are some great flashes to send to your friends!

Christmas Choir
Santa's Christmas Band

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
http://www.funnyheck.com/christmas/christmashappynewyear.html

Christmas Greeting
http://www.funnyheck.com/christmas/christmasecard.html

A White Trash Christmas (takes a while to load but worth the wait)
http://www.funnyheck.com/christmas/whitetrashxmas.html

SagArt T-Shirt Designs, the home of funny t-shirts and Children's T-Shirt Teacher where you can find the best children's clothing on the web, wishes you a Happy and Safe Holiday Season!

Christmas Eating Habits

2005-12-20T11:33:00.000-05:00

Are you anixously looking forward to that Christmas feast? Here are some great tips on how to handle your eating habits when it comes to the celebration meal from SagArt T-Shirt Designs and Children's T-Shirt Teacher.

Christmas Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving something significantly less healthy.

2. Drink as much of others people’s exotic alcoholic beverages as you can, especially if it’s someone who normally has to assess the cost when giving you the time of day (extra points if they are related to you). This opportunity will not present itself until next Christmas or when one of their offspring gets married. Besides, they’d do the same to you.

3. If something comes with sauce of any description, use it in copious quantities. That's the whole point of sauce - pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with sauce. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skimmed milk or whole milk. If it's skimmed, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic gear box.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and a fluorescent cocktail.

7. If you come across something good at a buffet table that you’ve never had before and are really delicious, position yourself near them and don't move. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like those fantastic bargains in the sales - if you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for cakes and mince pies, try everything. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two pieces of Christmas cake, especially if there’s a lot of marzipan, if you don’t like marzipan, then take it home as wrapped in a serviette for the dogs – dogs are the greatest connoisseurs of calorie-laden food in the known universe.

9. If there’s that Stollen stuff, Panetone or other continental offering that sounds like an item of clothing, you can have as much as you like as no-one else will touch it – and it was probably really expensive so it counts double.

10. One final tip: If you don't need some larger items of clothing when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't done it properly.

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Happy Holidays from SagArt T-Shirt Designs home of the funny t-shirts and from Children's T-Shirt Teacher home of the best children's clothing and gifts on the web!

A Revised Christmas

2005-12-19T06:03:00.000-05:00

Good Monday morning SagArt Fans!
Are all of you ready for Santa to slide down the chimney? It won't be long now!

Here's a cute one sent to us all the way from Scotland, so enjoy ... and get those Christmas gifts wrapped!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Revised Christmas days
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

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Holiday Fun

2005-12-18T08:24:00.000-05:00

Dear Fans!
Christmas is but a few days away so get those packages wrapped, greeting cards sent, and pickup those goodies you need for the festive meal.

SagArt T-Shirt Designs, the home of the funny t-shirts and gifts and Children's T-Shirt Teacher, the home of children's t-shirts and gifts wishes all of you the best this holiday season can deliver. Merry Christmas!

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

December 1
TO:ALL EMPLOYEES
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that, Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director

December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director

December 7th

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?

Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”

Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces

December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians! I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right now...Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

Bitch from Hell!

Christmas Ho, Ho, Ho!

2005-12-16T08:42:00.000-05:00

Signs That Santa Dislikes Your Kid!

*Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

* Kid asks for new bike, gets a pack of smokes.

* Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

*By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are Styrofoam peanuts.

* Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

* Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list.

* Sends him off on a Carnival Cruise with Kathie Lee.

* First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."

* Labels on all your kid's toys read, "Straight from Craptown."

* Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

HOLIDAY RUM CAKE

1 or 2 Quarts Rum
1 TSP Sugar
1 Cup Dried Fruit
1 TSP Baking Powder
1 TSP Baking Soda
1 Cup Butter
1 TSP Lemon Juice
2 Large Eggs
Nuts
Brown Sugar

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it?

Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, it's important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality - try another cup. Open the second quart of rum, if necessary.

Add two arge leggs, two cups of fried druit and beat until high. If the druit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next, sift free cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).

Sample the bum again.

Sift one pine of lemon juice. Add one babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake.

Check the thum again and go to bed.

2005 Santa Jokes

2005-12-15T08:25:00.000-05:00

Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!

Where does Santa stay when he's on holidays?
At a Ho-ho-tel!

What does Mrs. Claus sing to Santy on his birthday?
"Freeze a jolly good fellow!"

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don't exist!

What do you do if Santa Claus gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour Santa flush on him!

What does Santa say to the toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!

What do the elves call it when Père Noël claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!

Why does Santa like to work in his garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What do you call a kitty on the beach on Christmas morning?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to dentist offices?
Santa Jaws!

Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus!

What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle!

Why does St. Nicholas have a white beard?
So he can hide at the North Pole!

What do you call Santa when he has no money?
Saint "Nickel"-less!

What smells most in a chimney?
Santa's nose!

What does Kris Kringle like to get when he goes to the donut shop?
A jolly roll!

What do you call someone who doesn't believe in Father Christmas?
A rebel without a Claus!

What is invisible but smells like milk and cookies?
Kris Kringle burps!

What did Santa get when he crossed a woodpecker with kleenex?
Rapping paper!

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-"toast"!

Why does Santa take presents to children around the world?
Because the presents won't take themselves!

What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
His north pole!

How do we know Santa is such a good race car driver?
Because he's always in the pole position!

What is twenty feet tall, has sharp teeth and goes Ho Ho Ho?
Tyranno-santa Rex!

What's red & white and red & white and red & white?
Santa rolling down a hill!

What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?
Looks like "rain", "Dear"!

What's red and green and flies?
An airsick Santa Claus!

How does Père Noël take pictures?
With his North "Pole"-aroid!

Why does Santa's sleigh get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side!

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh! Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
Santa caught in a revolving door!

What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?
A "Holly" Davidson!

Where does Father Christmas go to vote?
The North Poll!

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!

What do you call Saint Nick after he has come down the chimney?
Cinder Claus!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish!

Why does Santa owe everything to the elves?
Because he is an elf-made man!

What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa Claus walking backwards!

How many chimneys does Saint Nick go down?
Stacks!

What does Santa get if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobic!

What would you call Father Christmas if he became a detective?
Santa Clues!

Who delivers Christmas presents to pets?
Why, Santa Paws of course!

Important! Please Read This!

2005-12-14T08:02:00.000-05:00

T-Shirt Teacher Fans!
The following was sent to me and I felt it was important for you to read it and then forward to a friend. The following advice could save a life!

We can now add to the list of victims. The retired 77 yr. old TCU professor from Ft Worth whose body was found last week in Oklahoma--and the 11 yr. old in Sarasota, FL. Because of these recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know.

After reading these 9 crucial tips , forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5 . A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

A. Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat

B. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably ! in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP . It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better to be safe than sorry.

I hope that you all have a safe and happy holiday season!!!

Christmas Cartoons

2005-12-13T06:45:00.000-05:00

Hello T-Shirt Teacher Fans!We appreciate all the cartoons sent to us by readers and will post as many as possible before good ole' Saint Nick comes sliding down the chimney. Don't forget to send these to your buddies and gift them with a smile!

Christmas Jokes

2005-12-12T06:39:00.000-05:00

Pray For Gifts

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Santa's Army

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

Christmas Oneliners

Q. What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.

Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon hood.

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.

Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
A. She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A. It was wound up already.

Q. What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A. Forty feet of track - all straight!

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Snowman Wisdom

2005-12-11T08:15:00.000-05:00

LIFE LESSONS FROM A SNOWMAN

* It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.

* Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.

* Wearing white is always appropriate.

* Winter is the best of the four seasons.

* It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.

* There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.

* The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.

* It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.

* We're all made up of mostly water.

* You know you've made it when they write a song about you.

* Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!

* Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.

* It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.

* It's fun to hang out in your front yard.

* Always put your best foot forward.

* There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

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Christmas Laughs

2005-12-07T10:18:00.000-05:00

TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So... away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!

BUBBA CLAUS

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas

Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and

Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm

certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however;

there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Ernhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo
with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like, "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South.

Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Poor Ole' Santa!

2005-12-06T08:45:00.000-05:00

Santa In Texas

Santa Claus needed a vacation.

He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?"

Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want." So he decided to disguise himself.

He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now-- I look just like everyone else!" He thought happily.

As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!" Santa rushed around a corner to hide. "It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!"

So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought. So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"

Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?"

The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you-- but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?"

Some Assembly Required

2005-12-05T07:05:00.000-05:00

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
while Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat
- let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
"Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!"

When what to my worrying eyes should appear
but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear.
With each part numbered and every slot named,
so if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!"

"Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
and not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

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A Barbie And Ken Christmas

2005-12-03T09:13:00.000-05:00

Dear Santa,

Listen, you troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat andhandcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years -- I think I deserve it.

OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie

Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and my some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment -- the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out of work Actor Ken"? In addition there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S & M Ken", "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken" These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations -- we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blonde bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine; at least that's what he said last night in bed.

Sincerely,

Ken

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A Microsoft Christmas

2005-12-02T10:43:00.000-05:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

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Funnies About 6th Graders!

2005-11-30T08:27:00.000-05:00

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. Even funnier read aloud to someone else!

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

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Truths Children Learn

2005-11-29T09:13:00.000-05:00

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8) Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

9) Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

10) School lunches stick to the wall.

11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

12) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

13) The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

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The Christmas Letter

2005-11-28T10:10:00.000-05:00

Christmas Letter
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,

Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?

Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.

Merry Christmas.

Love, Mom

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Xmas Carols By Kids

2005-11-26T12:43:00.000-05:00

Children's X-Mas Carols

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You'll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"

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Are You A Grinch?

2005-11-23T20:35:00.000-05:00

How to Tell if You're a Grinch

This is the essential personality test to prepare you misfit readers for your New Year's resolutions:

1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbour's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbour's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or Kmart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth..

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points -- nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).

9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably
wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has
arrived.

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Confuse Santa Funny

2005-11-22T10:21:00.000-05:00

20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

It's A Turkey's Life I Lead

2005-11-21T06:24:00.000-05:00

A THANKSGIVING TURKEY

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three.

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya' lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread wide your cheeks and pack your rear end with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain over looked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet on the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said --
"Christmas is coming..."

Wishing You and Yours the best and safest Thanksgiving!

Feeling Like You Failed

2005-11-16T08:44:00.000-05:00

Fighting That Feeling Of Failure

By Terri Hardwick

As mothers, we are often our own worst enemies. We set amazingly high standards for ourselves, forgetting that motherhood is the toughest job in the world.

There are definitely limits to our patience and long-suffering. We are not robots without feelings or emotions, or saints deserving to be canonised!

There are no perfect mothers, just as there are no perfect babies.

Can I let you in to a little secret? You may think you are the only mother who battles with impatience, anger, frustration, resentment etc., but you are not. We are all in the same boat!

Mothers assume that other mothers are perfect, because we don't live with one another twenty-four hours a day! Our 'company behaviour' is quite different to our 'at home' behaviour.

Reality

I remember my aunty describing one of her memorable moments as a mother. She was in a shop with her three young children. While waiting to be served, the kids decided to display their worst behaviour, for all in the shop to observe. Trying to remain calm in front of her critical audience, my aunty patiently attempted to control the children, to no avail. She managed to catch one son and tweaked his ear(behind a petition), having lost control herself! Her son screamed, "stop pinching me mummy!"

With every eye upon her she blushed and laughed, telling her son not to be silly. At that point she felt escape was her best option, and beat a hasty retreat.

The reality of mothering is that we are often stretched to the limits of our endurance.

We may fail to deal with stressful situations in the best way, but that does not make us failures. It makes us human!

Minimising Mistakes

In my many experiences of 'blowing it', I have come to realise two things;

Prevention is better than cure

Perfection is impossible

* Recognise there are times when you are most vulnerable, and be on your guard. For example,

If you are exhausted, and trying to settle a wakeful baby, you may be setting yourself up for trouble. That rhythmic pat on baby's back could become a little too 'firm' as your frustration builds. Its far better to ensure baby is warm and dry, and leave her to have a cry, than to stay and loose your control. Remember that at any time when you feel you're reaching your limit, time-out for both of you is wise! Don't take a tired toddler to the supermarket, it's a recipe for disaster. The tantrum your toddler throws in the check-out queue will be nothing compared to the one you throw on the way home in the car!

* Perfect mothers only exist in your imagination. You don't need to be perfect to be a good mother. Mothers are givers. We give out all the time. We exist with limited sleep, endless demands on our time and energy, trying to meet the needs of our children at the expense of our own. Yes we blow it from time to time, but is it any wonder? Failure is nothing more than rising each time you fall, ready to give it another go. Every mother makes mistakes. Mistakes are only bad if we never learn from them!

Let's be honest enough to admit our mistakes to one another. Then we can truly be of help and encourage one another. Be understanding. Even if you have never experienced the same problem, you may do so in the future. An old Indian proverb says that until you've walked two miles in another man's moccasins, you can't imagine the smell!

No Comparisons

You may be feeling a failure compared to someone else's perceived success. "She's always organised, her child eats everything healthy, sleeps well, is obedient, never throws tantrums or hits other children. I'm obviously doing everything wrong. I'm such a failure!"

Never make comparisons. Everyone's situation is different, and everyone's child is different. Do your best with what you have been given. Try to keep a positive attitude towards your own circumstances, and especially toward yourself and your child. Giving in to feelings of failure will only make matters worse. We become what we believe about ourselves, and our children become what we believe about them.

Success is fleeting and fickle, but living successfully each day is always possible!

You are not in competition with anyone else. You are you! And your child is your gift. In that context, be content with what you have, and find your own success. Enjoy who you are and who your child is!

Motherhood may bring out the worst in us at times, but focus on the fact that it also brings out the best in us as well. Resources we never dreamed we had before, come to the surface when we have a baby.

I believe all mothers deserve a medal for service above and beyond the call of duty!

About the Author: Terri currently runs an Australian network of support for mums and is the author of 'Parenting Inc'. Visit http://articles.mothertime.com.au or http://mothertime.com.au for further reading. This article may be freely distributed without alteration and always with an active link to the mothertime.com.au website.

Source: www.isnare.com

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Less Materialistic Holidays

2005-11-15T19:57:00.000-05:00

Making the Holidays Less Materialistic

"The gimmes" are all around us during the holiday season. You know - "Gimme this," "Gimme that," "I want this," "I want that." It can be hard for children - and parents alike - to look beyond all of the product-driven hoopla to see what the holidays are really about.

It's not the actual gifts but what's behind the presents that's important - the spirit of giving. Help your kids learn the fun of giving, and how rewarding it can be to look for, make, and wrap something special - or do something special - for people they care about and others who are in need.

Here are five ways you can help decrease materialism in your kids and reinforce the real reason for the season.

1. Teach Kids to Question Marketing Messages
From the TV commercials during Saturday morning cartoons to the promos on the backs of cereal boxes, marketing messages inundate kids of all ages. And to them, everything looks ideal - like something they simply have to have. It all sounds so appealing - often, so much better than it really is.

The advertisements kids see around the holidays can help foster unrealistic expectations and lead to disappointment. After seeing their "wish list" items presented perfectly all around them, it's hard for reality to measure up when they actually open their gifts.

Of course, it's nearly impossible to eliminate all exposure to marketing messages. You can certainly turn off the TV or at least limit your kids' watching time, but they'll still see and hear advertisements for the latest gizmos and must-haves at every turn.

But what you can do is:

Explain, when your kids ask for products they see advertised, that commercials and other ads are designed to make people want things they don't necessarily need, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). And these ads are often meant to make us think that these products will make us happier somehow. Talking to kids about what things are like in reality can help put things into perspective a little.

Talk to your children about what they think about the products they see advertised as you're watching TV, listening to the radio, reading magazines, or shopping together. Ask some thought-provoking questions such as:

"Do you think you need that product? If so, why?"

"Do you think that product really looks, tastes, or works the same way as it seems to in the ad?"

"Do you think that product will make you happy? If so, why?"

Limit your child's exposure to TV commercials, the AAP recommends, by:
o having your kids watch public television stations
o taping programs - without the commercials
o buying or renting children's videos or DVDs

Teach your children that not everything they want can always be theirs. Also explain to your kids that a little "want" here and there isn't all bad. The key with wanting things, as with most things, is to do it in moderation and to fully appreciate what you're given. Emphasize that the holidays are a special time, when a lot of love and thought is put into gift giving.

2. Focus on Family Traditions
Traditions that center around family or friends can be a great way to put meaning back into the holidays. Here are a couple of ideas:

* Talk about which family traditions your family loves the most. Then figure out how you can put more emphasis on them. If you love the tradition of lighting the menorah, get together as a group to make your own candles. If you enjoy the family trip to pick out a tree, make it an all-day event in which you head to a tree farm to choose your own.

* Find out what the holidays mean to others. Have your children talk to a grandparent, parent, uncle, or aunt about how they spent the holidays growing up. Some holiday traditions that used to be strong - such as neighborhood caroling - are all but lost today. Maybe you'd like to revive some of these as a way to share some holiday spirit with your family, friends, or community.

* Build some new traditions. If you don't have any family traditions, it's never too late to start. Get together around activities that you all enjoy, such as cooking or ice-skating. Ask your kids what they would enjoy doing every year and make an effort to do it. If you can't all decide on one thing, make traditions out of several, so that everyone feels like part of the festivities.

3. Teach Children to Give of Themselves
Volunteerism, especially around the holidays, offers an ideal opportunity for families to have fun and feel closer to each other at the same time. Community service helps to drive home the message that giving is much more than laying down cash for the hot gift of the season or scrambling around to buy mounds of presents for a gazillion people. Volunteerism can show kids that giving your time, effort, and kindness is so much more rewarding than just expecting to receive mountains of material goods.

Also, if volunteering begins at an early age, it can become part of a child's life - something he or she may just expect and want to do. It can teach kids:

* the knowledge that one person can make a difference. A wonderful, empowering message for a child is that he or she is important enough to have an impact on someone or something else.

* the benefit of sacrifice. By giving up a toy to a less fortunate child, a child learns that it's good to sacrifice sometimes. Cutting back on recreation time to help others tells kids that there are important things other than ourselves and our immediate needs.

* tolerance. Working in community service can bring kids and teens in touch with people of different backgrounds, abilities, ethnicities, ages, and education and income levels, which can be a particularly important point to make around the holidays. They'll likely find that even the most diverse individuals can be united by common values.

* to be even more appreciative of what they have. By helping others who aren't as fortunate, kids can better understand all the remarkable things they should be grateful for in their own lives.

Choose to help an organization or group that fits with your family's values and the things you believe in. Just a few ways you can help out in your community and beyond:

* Sponsor another family in need or purchase some presents for less fortunate children through a toy donation program. Let your kids pick out and wrap gifts for the other children themselves.

* If your kids love animals, talk to your local animal shelter. Many distribute staples like pet food to low-income pet owners over the holidays and need volunteers to help.

* Give back to the elderly in your area. Help out at a nursing home; visit with older people who could use a little extra joy and company around the holidays; bring gifts or meals to elderly who are homebound; or lend a hand to elderly neighbors who need some assistance with decorating, cooking, or wrapping presents.

* Volunteer your family's time by helping out at a children's hospital or homeless shelter or building or refurbishing housing for people in need.

Community service can teach children that giving comes in many forms, not just as piles of presents. Emphasize to your kids that giving of their time, effort, and caring can mean so much more - and can be so much more lasting - than any gift that money can buy.

4. Give Gifts With Meaning
Of course, gift giving will always be a large part of the holiday season. And with good reason - it can teach children to really consider what might make others happy and what's important to people they care about. Watching loved ones' faces as they open presents that your children put a lot of heart and thought into can make the holidays more worthwhile for your kids.

But presents don't always have to be purchased in a store. Teach your kids how to put some real meaning and feelings into their gifts this year and beyond. Making their own presents can help kids to show just how much they care and can make the experience of giving so much more rewarding for both the giver and the receiver.

Here are some ideas to get your family started:

* Make homemade gifts together.

o Create photo albums, especially small "brag books" that family members can carry around with them. Not only does this capture precious memories and show just how much they mean, making photo album gifts also shows loved ones that a lot of thought and time was put into their compiling their presents.

o Print out and frame favorite digital photos of friends and loved ones.

o Create customized stationery for people on your family's list using your home computer and printer.

o Have your children create their own customized artwork - collages, paintings, drawings, etc. - and put them in fun frames. Your kids can even decorate the frames.

o Create a customized family tree for family members (something grandparents would especially appreciate).

o Make your own batches of presents, be it potpourri or ornaments, or wrapping paper and customized home decorations like wreaths.

o Create personalized family videos for long-distance friends and loved ones.

* Give philanthropic gifts. Lots of communities hold fairs where you can buy gifts by making a donation to causes your family and friends care about. Others offer actual gifts that are made by people with special needs. Check out charity organizations' websites for information on donating money on behalf of others and about gifts whose proceeds go to the charity itself.

* Instead of giving gifts of things, teach children to consider giving gifts of time. For example, their grandmother may welcome their help in learning how to use a computer. Or their little sister may want to learn how to knit. Have family members create special gift certificates (i.e., "one free foot massage," "two free car washes," "five free specially prepared meals," "10 free loads of laundry," etc.). These days, when everyone's so stretched, a gift of time can actually be more meaningful than one that costs big bucks.

5. Be a Good Holiday Role Model
Show your children that the holidays can be joyous and fulfilling, not just a stress-ridden time that revolves around marathon shopping trips. Emphasize to them early on that it's not about getting piles of presents but giving and receiving a few heartfelt gifts. By starting early with traditions that emphasize the true meaning of the holidays and the caring thoughts behind gift giving, you can help to mold your kids' perspectives on the holiday season and what it means to both give and receive all year long.

Reviewed by: Barbara P. Homeier, MD
Date reviewed: December 2004

Recipes For Babies

2005-11-15T10:20:00.000-05:00

Baby Beef Stew

1/2 cup cubed cooked beef
1 peeled potato
¼ cup shelled fresh or frozen peas
1 peeled carrot
1 stalk of celery
1/4 cup uncoooked macaroni
4 cups of water

Wash vegetables thoroughly and chop very fine.
Simmer the veggies for 20 minutes or until softened
Add the macaroni and cook for 10 minutes longer or until very soft.
Drain but save the water.*****
Mash or puree the mix until it is of a consistency adequate for baby.

From "Baby's First Helpings" by Chris Casson Madden

2 tsp Sweet butter or margarine
1 tsp Unbleached flour
1/4 c Low fat milk
1/4 c Chicken, cooked, boned and-shredded
1/4 Potato, baked and cubed
1 tbls Grated white cheddar cheese

This dish takes very little to prepare and is easy for baby to digest.

Melt butter in small heavy pan over low heat.
Stir in flour and blend well and then add milk and stir until smooth.

Cook over low heat until mixture begins to thicken, then add chicken and potatoes. Stir for about 2 to 3 minutes more or until heated through.

Feel free to add a few vegetables. Add cheddar and stir until melted.

Fish Dinner For Baby

1 filet of any white fish such as cod, haddock etc..(unbreaded and cooked)
1/8 c or whole milk
1 tbsp melted butter
1/2 tsp salt
1/8 cup mashed peas
1/8 c mashed carrots
1/8 c mashed potatoes

Combine all ingredients and blend/puree until creamy - Serve warm

Homemade Bread Sticks for Baby

2005-11-14T21:56:00.000-05:00

Homemade Bread Sticks for Baby
by Rachel Paxton

Is your baby teething? Homemade bread sticks are easy to make and are great teething biscuits for older babies. You can make bread sticks out of most any kind of bread by baking at a low temperature (150-200 degrees) for 15 to 20 minutes, or until bread sticks are hard and crunchy.

For the recipes below, after baking, let bread cool. Slice bread into "sticks" and bake at 150-200 degrees for 1 hour. Store in airtight container. Your baby will love it!

Banana Bread

1/2 cup shortening
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
3 bananas, mashed
2 cups flour
1/2 cup wheat germ
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cream shortening, sugar, and eggs. Add mashed bananas and mix well. Blend in other ingredients. Pour into a greased loaf pan. Bake for about 45 minutes.

Carrot Bread

2 cups flour
1 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups carrots, grated
3 eggs
1 cup vegetable oil

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Sift together flour, sugar, salt, and baking soda. Add remaining ingredients. Pour into a greased loaf pan and bake for 1 hour.

Apple Bread

3 cups flour
2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
1 1/4 cups oil
2 apples, chopped
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda

Preheat oven to 300 degrees. In a large bowl, mix together all ingredients until well blended. Pour batter into 2 greased loaf pans. Bake for about 1 hour.

Rachel Paxton is a freelance writer and mom who is the author of What's for Dinner?, an e-cookbook containing more than 250 quick easy dinner ideas. For more recipes, organizing tips, home decorating, crafts, holiday hints, and more, visit Creative Homemaking at http://www.creativehomemaking.com.

Christmas Traditions

2005-11-07T10:32:00.000-05:00

Everyone enjoys the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping
and decorating. Children love to write letters to Santa and
get a reply with an envelope stamped "North Pole". But even
more fascinating is the origins of many of our beloved
Christmas traditions.

Exchanging Gifts: In ancient times holiday meals were
shared with family, friends, and the poor. It was believed
that in order to have a prosperous year, one must not be
selfish for to hoard what they already had would guarantee
that they would never be blessed with more. This is why we
exchange gifts today.

Tree decorating: In olden times trees represented life
triumphant over death. The Romans trimmed trees with
trinkets, candles, and toys. The Druids tied polished
apples and other offerings on tree branches. In Munich,
even trees in cemeteries were decked with holly and
mistletoe. Therefore, the evergreen tree, which decorates
our homes today, has come to signify the ever living Christ.

Yule Logs: The ancient Druids and other cultures believed
that the sparks from a burning log carried their wishes for
a prosperous New Year to the gods. Today, fireplaces with
burning logs recapture this ancient custom with the belief
that the firelight is symbolic of the light that came from
Heaven when Christ was born.

Candles: In England, large candles were burned in
conjunction with the yule log. In America today, the
candles represent the Star of Bethlehem.

Holly: The Druids believed that holly was favored by the
sun because it was always green. Today holly represents the
ever living Christ. The white flowers, purity; the red
berries, his blood; the leaves, his crown of thorns, and the
bitter bark, his sorrow.

Mistletoe: Comes from a Norse legend. Freyja, a goddess,
had arranged for her son to be protected from all earthly
dangers. When he was shot with an arrow made from
mistletoe, Freyja made mistletoe promise never to harm
anyone ever again. So today, mistletoe is a symbol of peace
and love. It's winter blossoms bring promise of bounty for
the coming spring.

Caroling: In Scandinavian custom, every Christmas, a party
was given to the god Thor, represented by a goat. After
much singing and dancing the goat would pretend to die and
return to life. Today, carolers go from door to door
singing and this represents the life of Christ.

Santa Claus: Santa actually started out as a version of
Poseidon, Greek god of the sea. Sailors feared him because
he could bring terrible storms or grant them safe journeys.
Because he could save them from angry waters, he became
known as "giver of all good things". Due to the rise of
Christianity, the old custom was changed to honor Nicholas
of Myra, an Asian bishop. Nicholas wore red clothing, rode
a white horse who could fly, and delivered gifts
anonymously. Today, he is Santa with his flying reindeer!

For more information on getting a letter from Santa for a
child close to you visit:

http://www.apluswriting.net/christmas/santamail.htm

*****************************************
Author: Marilyn Pokorney
Freelance writer of science, nature, animals and the
environment.
Also loves crafts, gardening, and reading.
Website: http://www.apluswriting.net
*****************************************

A Martha Stewart Christmas

2005-11-06T19:03:00.000-05:00

A Martha Stewart Christmas

Dear Santa:

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.

I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.

We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.

We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."

The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."

Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!

That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."

Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).

The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.

This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?

When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.

And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.

You probably want to smack her yourself.

Holiday Humor

2005-11-02T08:23:00.000-05:00

Santa is a Woman?

I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...

* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.

* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy

* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

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Happy Halloween!

2005-10-31T08:20:00.000-05:00

Vampire Jokes

1. Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula
2. Q: What does a vampire fear most?
A: Tooth decay
3. Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank
4. Q: What does a baby bat say before going to bed?
A: Turn on the dark. I'm afraid of the light!
5. Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory
6. Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
A: On Lake Erie
7. Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.
8. Q: What's the part of a restaurant where vampires don't suck blood?
A: The non-Suckers section.
9. Q: What kind of ship does Dracula own
A: Blood vessel.
10. Q: Why doesn't anyone like Count Dracula?
A: He's a pain in the neck.
11. Q: What do you call Count Dracula's cookout?
A: Vampire camfire.
12. Q: What does Dracula say when introduced to someone?
A: "Hello, pleased to eat you!"
13. Q: How do vampires drive around?
A: In their bloodmobiles.
14. Q: What is Dracula's position in baseball?
A: Batboy
15. Q: Who is the Dracula's super hero girl friend?
A: Bat Ghoul.
16. Q: What is the largest building in Transylvania?
A: The Vampire State Building.
17. Q: Why did Dracula go to jail?
A: Because he robbed the blood bank.
18. Q: What's a vampire's favorite feast?
A: Fangsgiving Day dinner.
19. Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?
A: It was a stake sandwich.
20. Q: What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A: A blood hound.
21. Q: What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A: A neck-tarine.
22. Q: Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
A: Because he likes to draw blood!
23. Q: Whom did Dracula take out on a date?
A: His ghoul friend!
24. Q: What is the best way to talk to Count DraculA:
A: Long distance.
25. Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a computer?
A: A know-it-all, that's really a pain in the neck.
26. Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.
27. Q: Who is a vampire likey to fall in love with?
A: The girl necks door.
28. Q: What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It's a pain in the neck.
29. Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
30. Q: How does a girl vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes.
31. Q: Was Dracula ever married?
A: No he's a bat-chelor.
32. Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.
33. Q: What did the kid vampire say to his mommy at bedtime?
A: "Mommy, turn off the switch. I'm afraid of the light!"
34. Q: What is worst than a hungry vampire?
A: A thirsty vampire.
35. Q: Why did the teacher send Dracula jr. home?
A: Because he was coffin too much.
36. Q: What do you give a vampire with a cold?
A: Coffin Drops!
37. Q: What does a weight-conscious vampire drink?
A: Blood Light.
38. Q: What is the favorite test that vampires love to take?
A: A blood test.
39. Q: What did the teacher say to Dracula after he failed his math test?
A: Can't you count Dracula!
40. Q: What is a vampire's favorite game?
A: Bat-miton.
41. Q: What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A: A neck-tarine.
42. Q: Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist?
A: Because he likes to draw blood!
43. Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: He had bat breath.
44. Q: What is the best way to talk to Count DraculA:
A: Long distance.
45. Q: Why didn't Dracula get married?
A: He never met a nice Ghoul!
46. Q: What is Count Dracula's favourite snack?
A: .A fangfurter !
47. Q: What is red, sweet and bites people ?
A: A jampire !
48. Q: What do you call a dog owned by Dracula ?
A: A blood hound !
49. Q: What was the Californian vampire hippy like ?
A: He was ghoul man, real ghoul !
50. Q: What's a vampire's favourite sport ?
A: Batminton !
51. Q: What happened to the mad vampire ?
A: He went a little batty !
52. Q: What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day ?
A: A coffin break !
53. Q: How does a vampire like his food served ?
A: In bite sized pieces !
54. Q: Where do vampires go on holiday ?
A: The Isle of Fright !
55. Q: Why did the vampire take up acting ?
A: It was in his blood !
56. Q: Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team ?
A: The ghoulscorer !
57. Q: What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snail ?
A: I don't know but it would slow him down !
58. Q: Which vampire ate the three bears porridge ?
A: Ghouldilocks !
59. Q: Why did the vampire go to hospital ?
A: He wanted his ghoulstones removed !
60. Q: What's a vampire's favourite drink ?
A: A bloody mary !
61. Q: What's a vampire's favourite dance ?
A: The fangdango !
62. Q: Which vampire tried to eat James Bond ?
A: Ghouldfinger !
63. Q: What do vampires think of blood transfusions ?
A: Newfangled rubbish !
64. Q: Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food ?
A: He wanted something to get his teeth into !
65. Q: What happened at the vampires race ?
A: It finished neck and neck !
66. Q: Where did vampires go to first in America ? A: New Fangland !
67. Q: What happened at the vampires reunion ?
A: All the blood relations went !
68. Q: What do you get if you cross Dracula and Al Capone ?
A: A fangster !
69. Q: What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve ?
A: "Auld Fang Syne" !
70. Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist ?
A: He had fang decay !
71. Q: What did the vampire say to the wolfman ?
A: You look like your going to the dogs !
72. Q: What is the American national day for vampires ?
A: Fangsgiving day !
73. Q: If you want to know more about Dracula what do you have to do ?
A: Join his fang club !
74. Q: Why are vampire families so close ?
A: Because blood is thicker than water !
75. Q: What flavour ice cream is Dracula's favourite ?
A: Veinilla !
76. Q: Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin ?
A: It wanted to play squash !
77. Q: Why do vampires like school dinners?
A: Because they know they won't get stake !
78. Q: How do you join the Dracula fan club ?
A: Send your name, address and blood group !
79. Q: What's a vampire's favourite animal ?
A: A giraffe !
80. Q: Why was the young vampire a failure ? A: He fainted at the sight of blood !
81. Q: What happened to the vampire who swallowed sheep ?
A: He felt baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad !
82. Q: What's Dracula's favourite coffee ?
A: Decoffinated !

83. Q: What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot ?
A: A bite in shining armour !
84. Q: What does a vampire bath in ?
A: A bat tub !
85. Q: What did the vampire say after he had been to the dentist ?
A: Fangs very much !
86. Q: What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold ?
A: Coffin medicine !
87. Q: What does the postman deliver to vampires ?
A: Fang mail !
88. Q: What's Dracula's favourite soup ?
A: Scream of tomato !
89. Q: What does a vampire stand on after taking a shower ?
A: A bat mat !
90. Q: What's a vampire's favourite dance ?
A: The vaults !
91. Q: What do romantic vampires do ?
A: Neck !
92. Q: Why do vampires hate arguments ?
A: Because they make themselves cross !
93. Q: What does a vampire say to the mirror ?
A: Terror, terror on the wall... !
94. Q: What is a vampire's favourite film character ?
A: Batman !
95. Q: Why do people hate being bitten by vampires ?
A: Because it's a drain in the neck !
96. Q: If a snowman marries a vampire, what will they name their first child?
A: Frostbite
97. Q: Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
A: He has a bat temper.
98. Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A: He had a fang-ache.
99. Q: Why are vampires like false teeth?
A: They all come out at night.
100. Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A: To stop his coffin.
101. Q: Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes?
A: Sandals don't look good with his tuxedo.

Happy Halloween! Please be careful ... and watch out for the monsters among us.

Raising Kids

2005-10-30T04:30:00.000-05:00

Raising kids today is arguably harder than ever before. But, there are some ways to help ease the stress and strain of raising your little ones and prevent behavior problems through good parenting.

1. Establish "together time" Establish a regular weekly routine for doing something special with your child -- even if it’s just going out for ice cream.

2. Don’t be afraid to ask where your kids are going and who they’ll be with. Get to know your kid’s friends -- and their parents -- so you’re familiar with their activities.

3. Try to be there after school when your child gets home.

4. Eat together often. Meals are a great time to talk about the day and bond.

5. Be a better listener. Ask and encourage questions. Ask your kid’s input about family decisions. Showing your willingness to listen will make your child feel more comfortable about opening up to you.

6. Don’t react in a way that will cut off further discussion. If your child says things that challenge or shock you, turn them into a calm discussion.

7. Be a living, day to day, example of your value system. Show the compassion, honesty, generosity and openness you want your child to have.

8. Know that there is no such thing as "do as I say, not as I do" when it comes to your kids.

9. Examine your own behavior.

10. Reward good behavior consistently and immediately. Expressions of love, appreciation, and thanks go a long way – even for kids who think themselves too old for hugs.

11. Accentuate the positive. Emphasize what your kid does right. Restrain the urge to be critical. Affection and respect will reinforce good (and change bad) behavior. Embarrassment or uneasiness won’t.

12. Create rules. Discuss in advance the consequences of breaking them. Don’t make empty threats or let the rule-breaker off easy. Don’t impose harsh or unexpected new punishments.

13. Set a curfew. Enforce it strictly, but be ready to negotiate on special occasions.

14. Have kids check in at regular times. Give them a phone card, change or even a pager, with clear rules for using it.

15. Call parents whose home is to be used for a party. On a party night, don’t be afraid to stop in to say hello (and make sure that adult supervision is in place).
16. Listen to your instincts. Don’t be afraid to intervene if your gut reaction tells you something’s wrong.

17. Let your children know how much you care in every situation you can, and especially when they are having problems.

18. Keep a positive attitude about your ability to be a parent. Trust your instincts.

19. Take care of yourself. Meet your needs for support with other adults so you can establish healthy parent-child boundaries.

20. Take time to teach your children values while they are young. Live your own values every day.

21. Make your home a safe, secure, and positive environment. Provide appropriate privacy for each family member.

22. Get involved in your child’s school, your neighborhood, and your community. You, not the teachers and other authority figures in your child’s life, are responsible for parenting your child.

23. Set clear rules and limits for your children. Be flexible and adjust the rules and limits as they grow and are able to set them for themselves.

24. Follow through with consequences for your children’s misbehavior. Be certain the consequences are immediate and relate to the misbehavior, not your anger.

25. Let your children take responsibility for their own actions. They will learn quickly if misbehavior results in unpleasant natural consequences.

26. Be a guide for your children. Offer to help with homework, in social situations, and with concerns about the future. Be there to help them direct and redirect their energy and to understand and express their feelings.

Parents, Kids And Time Alone

2005-10-28T10:11:00.000-05:00

PARENTS, KIDS AND TIME ALONE
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

"What are some of the ways in which you explain to kids that
mom and dad need time alone, without feeling guilty about
it?"

A journalist, writing an article on having time alone and
couple time when you have kids, asked me this question.

Parents will feel guilty only when they believe that they
are doing something wrong by spending time alone and couple
time without their children.

This is a false belief.

The truth is that children grow up far healthier emotionally
when their parents are happy and fulfilled, even if it means
that their parents spend less time with them. When parents
understand that they are being good parents by talking
loving care of themselves and their relationship, their
children will understand this.

One way of helping children understand this is to introduce
the concept of "time alone" very early in a child's life. By
the time a child is three, he or she can easily understand
the concept of time alone. If, each time you spend time
alone with your child, you say, "This is our time alone,"
your child will begin to understand the concept. When you
have time to yourself, you can say, "This is my time alone
with myself." When you spend time with your partner, you can
say, "This is Mom and Dad's time alone together." Parents
can tell their children, as soon as they are capable of
understanding the words, "We need time alone with you, with
each other, and with ourselves. All of us need to respect
this about each other."

Our three children fully understood the concept of "time
alone" because we spent time alone with each them. They came
to understand and respect at a very young age the need for
time alone.

If you put yourself aside and don't spend time with yourself
and with your partner, you are giving your children
unhealthy role modeling. You are teaching them that others
are always responsible for meeting their needs. You are
teaching them to feel entitled to your time and attention
rather than helping them learn to respect others' time. You
are teaching them that it is okay to demand that others put
themselves aside for them, which may create narcissistic
behavior.

Healthy parenting means finding a balance between being with
your children, being with your partner, and being with
yourself. For your children to grow up taking responsibility
for their own needs and feelings, they need to see you
taking responsibility for your needs and feelings.
Constantly sacrificing yourself for your children does not
role model personal responsibility.

Children need to experience you and your spouse enjoying
your time with each other, as well as with yourselves. They
need to see you pursuing your work, hobbies, creativity and
passions in order to understand that they also need to find
their passions. If you are always there to meet your
children's needs, how can they discover who they are and
what brings them joy? Always being there to meet your
children's needs for entertainment creates a dependency on
others rather than finding these resources within
themselves.

Many people grow up not knowing how to be alone with
themselves. Because they were either always in front of a TV
or being entertained by their parents, they never discovered
how to "play by themselves."

Of course it is very important to have enough time alone
with your children. But it is equally important to have
enough time alone with your spouse and with yourself. When
you understand this, you will stop feeling guilty about
taking your time alone. When you no longer feel guilty, your
children will learn to stop guilting you and respect your
needs.

About The Author:

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone
Sessions Available.

Bathing Fear Of Children

2005-10-26T10:41:00.000-05:00

Is your toddler afraid to take a bath?

All children have fears at some point in their life and it is usually considered to be a normal part of development. These fears are only abnormal if they are persistent or keep the child overly preoccupied with the subject that is feared, so that it interferes with normal activities, if the child can not be reassured or distracted away from the fear (becoming a phobia), or if it is an irrational fear. Whether or not a fear is irrational depends on a child's age and developmental level. For example, it is normal for a 2 year old to be afraid of sitting on the potty, but it would be irrational for an 8 year old to have the same fear.

Toddlers normally have simple fears of separation, noises, falling, animals and insects, using the potty, bathing and bedtime.

Fear of bathing does seem like a common problem, and one that usually passes, but that doesn't mean that you just force her to continue taking baths as that might make her more fearful. It also doesn't mean that you should give up baths altogether, since she does have to get clean, although a daily bath isn't necessary.

Trying different things, such as toys, bubbles, bath finger paints, coloring agents, playing her favorite music, etc. should help. Having a consistent routine of when she takes a bath and letting her pick a couple of toys might also give her some control and make her more likely to want to take a bath.

You might also let her play in the tub without any water in it, so that she can get used to being in there.

Or use sponge baths for a few days or weeks.

Other things that may help:

* don't let your toddler actually see the water go in or drain out of the tub.

* take baths with your child

* take a bath by yourself, and let her play in the bathroom while you are bathing and let her help you rinse off by pouring water over your head etc.

* take her to the store to pick out some new bath toys

* try giving her a bath at a different time of day. If you normally give her a bath at bedtime, try doing it earlier in the day or in the morning.

* let her give a bath to one of her favorite dolls or let her watch you do it

* set up a special activity, such as watching her favorite video or reading some books, after the bath, so that she has something to look forward to

* make or buy some washcloth puppets

Toilet Cleaning Funny!

2005-10-24T18:49:00.000-05:00

Instructions on how to clean your toilet:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

CURSOR ON DOWN!

Sincerely,

The Dog

Success In School

2005-10-24T10:33:00.000-05:00

Educators recognize that a child's first teachers - his/her parents or guardians - play a crucial role in learning. Here are some ways you can support your child's success in school.

* Provide your child with basic needs (proper diet, clothing, school supplies).
* Provide a study environment conducive to learning at home.
* Contact your child's teacher(s) and visit your child's school and classroom.
* Meet and talk with other parents and school staff.
* Learn about your school's curriculum and support services.
* Reinforce learning at home, in the community and on vacations
* Notice when your child completes homework and provide encouragement (For example, you can say, "I really like the way you're getting your homework done. That's what I expect from you.").
* Recognize progress. Praise steps taken and efforts made.
* Help your child stay calm and confident on test days, and send him/her to school well rested and having had breakfast (or your child can have breakfast at school).
* Encourage your child to talk to teachers if he/she does not understand an assignment.
* Read and talk about information sent home from school.
* Talk about school every day. When your child knows that you think school is important, he or she will take it more seriously.
* Discuss with your child how learning in school helps in everyday life.
* Teach your child to set goals.
* Be a good example yourself that learning is a lifelong process.
* Have a dictionary available for your child to look up new or unfamiliar words.

Parenting Jokes

2005-10-23T18:38:00.000-05:00

Wedding Vows

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

Pregnancy Questions And Answers

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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2005-10-22T08:30:00.000-05:00

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The Bible According to Kids

2005-10-20T08:05:00.000-05:00

The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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Worm

2005-10-19T07:20:00.000-05:00

Worm

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to
no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"

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Freckles

2005-10-18T07:43:00.000-05:00

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws. "You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

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Picky Eaters

2005-10-17T09:51:00.000-05:00

If you have a picky eater, mealtime can make you feel like you want to pull your hair out. It is very frustrating for parents to watch their child only fiddle with their food at dinner or not even touch it, claiming they "don’t like it.” Then what happens? Thirty minutes later guess who is hungry? You guessed it. Your little picky eater.

Jamie’s mother was concerned about Jamie's lack of interest in food. She stated, “Jamie never wants to eat anything I fix for dinner. What can I do to encourage Jamie to eat the meals that I have prepared?” I came up with the following ten tips for her. You may find them useful as well.

TIP: INVOLVE JAMIE. You could have Jamie help with planning the menu or meal preparation. Kids are less likely to “turn up their nose” at something, they had a hand in.

TIP: PLACE A LIMIT ON JAMIE. Perhaps Jamie is playing with her food at dinner and not real interested in eating it. Mom say's, “Jamie, I will be serving breakfast at 7:00 a.m. try to eat enough to make it to then. You decide how much you will need. Oh! We will be clearing the table in _____ minutes.”

When Jamie comes to you later that evening complaining of being hungry. With an understanding tone, simply remind her that you will be serving breakfast at 7:00 a.m. as usual. Jamie will most likely be persistent about getting something else to eat. It is important that you follow through with the limit you have placed. Otherwise, Jamie learns that you do not mean what you say and you lose your credibility with her. You may have to tell her several times that you will be “serving breakfast at 7:00” until she realizes that your are not going to give in.

Jamie: “Mom I’m hungry. Can I have some cookies?”

Mom: “Kids who eat all their dinner are welcome to have a snack after.”

Jamie: “But mom I’m really hungry.”

Mom: “I know Jamie. I would be hungry too if I ate as little as you did for dinner, but don’t worry I will be fixing a big breakfast at 7:00 a.m.”

Jamie: “What? Do you want me to starve?”

Mom: “I’ll be serving breakfast at 7:00 Jamie”

Jamie: “This isn’t fair.”

Mom: “I’ll be serving breakfast at 7:00 Jamie”

Jamie: “Fine!”

TIP: NOTICE THE EXCEPTIONS. Call attention to the times when Jamie eats most of her meal. “Wow! Jamie you ate everything on your plate. Good job. You should be proud of yourself.” Too often, we only notice the negative aspects of our children’s behavior and that is what we reinforce with our negative attention.

TIP: CATER TO JAMIE'S DESIRE TO BE "BIG". “ You probably won’t like this halibut Jamie. Usually, adults are the only ones who like halibut." Guess what may just become Jamie’s new favorite food?

TIP: PROVIDE VARIOUS CHOICES AROUND MEALTIME. “Would you rather sit by me or by mommy?” “You can eat with a fork or a spoon which would you prefer?” “Do you think you will need more potatoes or is that enough?” “Have as much as you think you will need to make it to dinner.” “Milk or juice?” “Should we eat at 7:00 or 7:30?”

TIP: BE A GOOD ROLE MODEL. “You know dear, although spaghetti is not my favorite, I will eat it because I know how hard you worked to make it.”

TIP: EXPOSURE. Encourage Jamie to try a variety of foods early on in her life before she knows any different. Some children may have never thought liver was gross if it hadn’t been for what someone else had set their expectation to be.

TIP: PROVIDE SOME FLEXIBILITY. Let's remember there are some foods that certain children just can not stomach. If Jamie has a problem with spinach but it is part of that particular meal, try to have other items that she can get her fill up on once everyone has their share. However, this should be the exception rather than the rule.

Try letting Jamie dip her foods in sauces, dressings, syrups or ketchup. It may make them taste better to her.

TIP: MAKE MEALTIME ENJOYABLE. Try to talk about things other than eating at mealtime. Dinner is a great time to talk to Jamie about how her day went. During breakfast, you could discuss what everyone has planned for the day.

Everyone pitching in to help prepare the meal can teach Jamie an important family value. An added bonus for children is that it can teach them important thinking skills regarding timing, measuring, colors, comparisons, counting, and cause and effect.

Be creative in the ways that you dish up Jamie’s food. Mold her mashed potatoes into a volcano, cut her meat or sandwich into bite sized pieces and poke toothpicks in them, layout veggies in the shapes of letters or numbers, or use a drop or two of food coloring to make it more interesting.

TIP: LIMIT SNACKING. For children to be hungry enough to eat a meal they usually need to go two or three hours without food. However, it is difficult for children to go from noon to 6:00 p.m. without food. A nutritious snack after school should be fine to get Jamie to dinner still having her appetite.

TIP: RECALL PAST SUCCESSES. Think back about times when Jamie has ate her meals. What were you doing? Were you placing a lot of emphasis on her need to eat her food? What was she doing? What were you eating? What happened before the meal? These kinds of questions may help you realize some of the things you or Jamie is already doing which assist her in becoming a better eater.

About The Author: Destry Maycock has over eleven years experience working with children and families as a professional social worker. Destry has helped hundreds of parents solve various parenting challenges and strengthen their relationships with their children. Destry enjoys developing products that help parents. To learn more visit http://www.parentingstore.com

For more free-reprint articles by Destry Maycock please visit: http://www.isnare.com/?s=author&a=Destry+Maycock

Ready To Read

2005-10-16T20:03:00.000-05:00

HOW CAN I HELP MY CHILD BE READY TO READ AND READY TO LEARN?

*

Talk to your infant and toddler to help him learn to speak and understand the meaning of words. Point to objects that are near and describe them as you play and do daily activities together. Having a large vocabulary gives a child a great start when he enters school.
*

Read to your baby every day starting at six months of age. Reading and playing with books is a wonderful way to spend special time with her. Hearing words over and over helps her become familiar with them. Reading to your baby is one of the best ways to help her learn.
*

Use sounds, songs, gestures and words that rhyme to help your baby learn about language and its many uses. Babies need to hear language from a human being. Television is just noise to a baby.
*

Point out the printed words in your home and other places you take your child such as the grocery store. Spend as much time listening to your child as you do talking to him.
*

Take children's books and writing materials with you whenever you leave home. This gives your child fun activities to entertain and occupy him while traveling and going to the doctor's office or other appointments.
*

Create a quiet, special place in your home for your child to read, write and draw. Keep books and other reading materials where your child can easily reach them.
*

Help your child see that reading is important. Set a good example for your child by reading books, newspapers and magazines.
*

Limit the amount and type of television you and your child watch. Better yet, turn off the television and spend more time cuddling and reading books with your child. The time and attention you give your child has many benefits beyond helping him be ready for success in school.

Reach out to libraries and community and faith-based organizations. These organizations can:
o Help you find age-appropriate books to use at home with yourchild;
o Show you creative ways to use books with your child and other tips to help her learn; and
o Provide year-round children's reading and educational activities.

Make Easy Money!

2005-10-12T08:20:00.000-05:00

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Breast Cancer Awareness

2005-10-10T06:04:00.000-05:00

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

A retrospective study of women diagnosed with breast cancer from 1975 to 1999 suggests that a trend toward detection of smaller tumors over those 25 years contributed to the improved 5-year survival rates during that period, according to a study published online August 8 in Cancer.

Researchers at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, led by Dr. Elena Elkin, reviewed data from NCI's Surveillance, Epidemiology, and End Results (SEER) program for women initially diagnosed with nonmetastatic breast cancer with tumors that were either localized (limited to breast tissue) or regional (limited to nearby tissue or lymph nodes). More than 265,000 tumors were analyzed.

"Within each stage category, the proportion of smaller tumors [detected] increased significantly over time," the researchers noted. For example, the localized tumors smaller than 1 cm accounted for only 10 percent of patients diagnosed between 1975 and 1979, compared with 25 percent of localized breast cancers detected between 1995 and 1999. Similarly, among women with regional disease, the number of tumors found smaller than 2 cm increased from 20 to 33 percent during the same comparison periods.

"Comparing patients diagnosed between 1995 and 1999 with those diagnosed between 1975 and 1979, within-stage migration of tumor size accounted for 61 percent and 28 percent, respectively, of the relative survival increases noted in localized and regional breast carcinoma," the researchers concluded. In contrast, 5-year survival rates for same-size tumors "changed by much smaller amounts during the 25-year period," they added.

The trend toward increased breast cancer survival in the United States over the past three decades has been attributed to advances in both screening and treatment. For example, the first national mammography screening guidelines were issued in the late 1970s. "But distinguishing the relative contributions of these two modalities is difficult," the researchers noted. The researchers chose to examine tumor size as "an obvious marker of natural history and a strong predictor of breast carcinoma survival."

The impact of smaller tumor sizes at diagnosis was especially significant for women aged 65 and older in the study. Among the localized breast cancer patients, smaller tumor size accounted for 96 percent of observed improvement in relative survival for that age group. The researchers observed that "In regional breast carcinoma cases, tumor size standardization explained twice the proportion of survival benefit in women age 65 and older (44 percent) compared with women ages 25-49 years (23 percent) and 50-64 years (22 percent)."

A note of caution on the limitations of the study was voiced by Dr. Jo Anne Zujewski, head of NCI's Breast Cancer Therapeutics in the Clinical Investigations Branch: "While a smaller tumor size at diagnosis undoubtedly contributes to some of the survival improvement noted, clinical trials have clearly demonstrated survival improvements due to treatment in all early stages of breast cancer. So we remain convinced that the improved outcomes noted over time result from a combination of detection and treatment factors."

By Bill Robinson

Department of Health and Human Services National Institutes of Health FirstGov.gov

Support Breast Cancer Research with products carrying these designs, as each product purchase puts an additional dollar into the research efforts to fight breast cancer.

Keep Kids Active

2005-10-06T08:22:00.000-05:00

Warm weather is a great time to encourage your children to be physically active and get them involved in healthy activities. Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh offers the following tips to help families stay active:

* When the weather is warm, encourage your children to play outside. Set an example by venturing outdoors yourself by taking a walk, working in the garden or just playing with your children. Family bike rides or hikes are a great way to spend time together. Use the opportunity to talk to your children and to find out what’s going on in their lives.

* Remember to wear your helmets when bike riding or riding scooters. Prevention is the key to avoiding serious injuries, and when you wear a helmet you let your children know how important it is for them to wear them too.

* Limit the amount of time your kids watch TV and interact with computer and video games. When the weather is conducive to outdoor activities, let your children know they will only be allowed to use these forms of media for limited periods of time. We recommend limiting media use to no more than one to two hours per day.

* Reduce the number of extracurricular activities you schedule for your children. Children need time to just relax and interact with their friends and family. If you’re driving your kids from one activity to the next every day, there is little time for children to enjoy the fresh air and to contemplate life.

* Children learn to entertain themselves and to think on their own when they have some quiet time alone. Give them regular opportunities to read and enjoy some downtime. Children should not be dependent on parents or caregivers to keep them busy. Limiting activities also reduces stress on parents and children, and the less stress you feel the better your interactions will be with one another.

* Playgrounds and parks are great places to venture when the sun shines. Children benefit from unstructured play, and they learn to interact with other children around them. Letting children run around outside gives them an outlet for their abundant energy.

* Mealtimes provide wonderful opportunities to spend time together as a family. Plan an occasional picnic outing with your children. Special outings create happy memories for you and your kids, and when you spend time with your children they feel more loved and secure.

Nutrition And Your Child

2005-10-05T07:26:00.000-05:00

Children's Nutrition

“Sport drinks” are not the best liquid to give a child with diarrhea. The drinks are too high in sugar and may actually promote more diarrhea. Always check with your doctor when your child has diarrhea.

Most parents worry if their toddler has a small and erratic appetite. This is usually normal for a child in this age group. The best measure of your child’s food intake is his/her growth. So, if it seems that your child is “living on air,” consult a pediatrician. If your child is growing normally for his/her age, then you can relax and be assured that his/her appetite will grow as he/she does.

Calcium is important for teenagers! If you think that your teen isn’t drinking enough milk, then offer yogurt, cheese or even ice cream to supply the calcium needed for the stage of rapid bone growth that most teens experience. Make sure you ask your teen every day, “Got Calcium?”

Teenagers and Obesity
It is estimated that one out of four teenagers is considered to be obese. While there are many reasons for this disturbing trend, lack of exercise tops the list. Children should get at least one hour of aerobic exercise each day. Examples of sufficient aerobic activities include swinging, jumping rope, in-line skating, biking, running (in games such as football, red rover, soccer, tag, etc.), swimming and playing in a pool. Even walking can be a beneficial aerobic activity if the child walks quickly enough to make his/her heart beat faster than usual.

Often, sedentary children come from families who get little exercise. Take a look at your own activity level. There are many fun and healthy activities you and your child can do together. Get moving today!

Food Allergies
When talking about childhood food allergies, the most common offenders are eggs, milk, corn, peanuts, chocolate, strawberries, soy, and wheat. Fortunately, few children are severely allergic to any food and those who are normally “grow out” of their food allergies by adolescence. However, one serious exception is peanut allergy—which can produce even more severe reactions in adulthood.

If you suspect your child is allergic to a certain food, try eliminating that food from your child’s diet for one month. An allergist can also test for food allergies but these tests may produce false positive results and cause you to eliminate foods from your child’s diet when it is not necessary. If you are thinking of adding a certain food back into your child’s diet, talk to your allergist first. He/she will tell you to add back only one food at a time for at least three days before trying the next food. Most foods can be eliminated from any diet without compromising nutrition. One exception to this is milk. If you eliminate milk entirely from your child’s diet, your child will need to eat other sources of calcium and possibly take a calcium supplement. Talk to your doctor or a registered pediatric dietitian before eliminating milk from your child’s diet.

Food allergies are often misunderstood. One reliable place to find good information is the Food Allergy Network (www.foodallergy.org). With the right information, a food allergy can go from a deadly concern to a minor change in behavior.

Time-Out!

2005-10-04T11:49:00.000-05:00

Take Control with Time-Out

Many parents put their children in time-out to stop their bad behavior. Time-out enables parents to discipline their kids without hitting or yelling. By remaining calm, you set a positive example for your children to manage their own strong feelings. Time-outs give children a chance to separate and calm down. Use this discipline method for big problems like hitting, kicking and out-of-control screaming—or when all else fails. Try not to use it too often, or it will lose its impact.

Keep your child in time-out for one minute per year of age. If your child is 4 years old, she would sit in time-out for four minutes. This method works best for children between 3 and 10 years old. Use a timer to keep track of the minutes, or just keep an eye on the clock.

If your child hits someone, give her a time-out to let her know hitting is unacceptable. Time-outs should be used to help children regain self-control, not as a punishment. Instead of grabbing your child and yelling at her to stop what she’s doing, remove her calmly from the situation and let her learn from her misbehavior.

If your child misbehaves, calmly tell her what she did wrong and explain that she will have a time-out. You might say, “You hit Al, and that’s not allowed. Hitting hurts. You need a five-minute time-out to calm down and get control of yourself.”

Take her to a quiet place to sit down. It’s best to use a neutral place, where there are no distractions and you can keep an eye on her. Try to use the same place each time. You might have her sit on a chair in the hallway or on the last step of a staircase.

Tell your child, “Time-out begins when you are quiet. You need to stay here until you calm down.” Don’t argue with her. It’s OK to sit with her if that helps her gain control, but there should be no talking or interaction during time-out. If there is, start the time-out over again.

Once time is up, let your child go back to what she was doing. If she hit someone before the time-out, have her apologize. There is no need to lecture your child at that point—she knows what she did wrong. After time-out, praise your child for regaining control. If she behaves well afterward, tell her how nicely she is playing. That positive reinforcement will help her learn proper behavior.
If your child misbehaves in public, use time-out just as you would at home. Find a quiet, out-of-the-way spot to seat your child. Stay nearby to keep an eye on her, and remember to maintain your composure.

Time-out also can be useful for parents who need to calm down. It doesn’t hurt to step back from a heated situation before responding.

Through time-out, your children learn to gain self-control, and you get a break as well. Separating your child from a bad situation stops the undesired behavior, and it gives you an opportunity to calm down and redirect your child. You’ll both feel better and will be more prepared to return to the action at hand.

Children Talking Back

2005-09-28T07:30:00.000-05:00

What To Do When Your Child Talks Back

“I can’t wait to grow up so I can move out of this house!” a typical 10-year old declares while arguing about cleaning up his room. Sound familiar? Talking back is a normal part of growing up, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

What can parents do to deal with a child who talks back? Parents’ responses determine the outcome of their interaction with their children. When parents remain calm, their children are more likely to calm down too. However, parents often talk back, saying things like “Don’t you talk back to me!” This inhibits communication and teaches the wrong lesson.

Parents can do many things to discourage talking back, including setting clear limits and explaining the behavior that they expect of their children. Praising children when they behave well and don’t talk back is a powerful way to reinforce good behavior.

Kids learn by example; they will learn to handle their own strong emotions when they see their parents doing the same. An emotional parent might announce, “I’m so upset I need to be alone to calm down!” Using words teaches kids to take control of their anger.

It’s important to consider the context in which children talk back and to identify patterns. For example, are children tired or overstimulated when they talk back? Parents also should be proactive in their interventions. If the hour or so after school seems to be a prime time for back talk, kids should be encouraged to take some downtime when they get home. Don’t over-schedule children, and be sure to spend time with them.

Often, kids talk back because they want attention. When parents don’t rise to the bait, they discourage back talk. A “non-response” is often more effective than engaging in a verbal battle.

Giving children transition time between activities prepares kids for what’s coming up and prevents back talk. As an example, telling kids that “Dinner will be served in 10 minutes” gives them time to think about the transition. Then, when dinner is ready, they will be less likely to resist and talk back.

Creative outlets also can help children express their anger. Here are a few ideas:

* Kids can draw a picture or bounce a ball to release their strong feelings.

*Sticker charts and special incentives often are effective in motivating kids to behave well. Reward children with extra playtime or a trip to the park. If the talking back persists, parents can impose a consequence, such as no TV that afternoon.

*When older children talk back, parents can encourage a dialogue by asking them how they think the problem can be resolved.

Listening is a critical part of communicating, and it’s important for parents to show their kids that they are listening. For example, a parent might say, “It sounds like you’re frustrated with me,” to let the child know that the parent empathizes.

The shows kids watch on TV can influence their talking back. Many popular TV shows with kids feature children who talk back, but in a situation comedy, the back talk is funny and has no consequences. Parents should actively monitor the shows their kids watch.

Remember that talking back is normal. It’s up to parents to avoid power struggles and to help children change negative behaviors.

Tuning In To Your Children

2005-09-27T10:59:00.000-05:00

Tuning In to Your Kids

The art of listening—it’s one of the most important skills parents need to communicate with their children. Most parents lead hectic lives, so it can be tough to give kids their full attention. But doing that at least once a day can make a big difference.

Sometimes children need to know that they are being heard, especially if something is bothering them. It’s easy for parents to assume they know what their kids are thinking and to offer advice on solving their problems, but it’s important to help children manage their own emotions and to give them opportunities to solve problems on their own.

For example, a child tells his parent that someone at school made fun of him. The parent shouldn’t jump in and offer a solution. Instead, he or she should give a supportive response that reflects how the child feels, like “That must have hurt your feelings.” When a parent avoids jumping in with a quick fix for the upset child, the child is allowed to relieve his stress and take responsibility for his problem. Reflecting a child’s feelings is sometimes all it takes to meet his emotional needs. A simple statement like “You seem sad today” lets a child know that the parent has seen her hurt. If a child has a problem, the parent might ask what might make things better. Let kids know their opinions count.

A parent’s body language is as important as the words that are said. Mom or Dad should turn toward the child, get down on his level and make eye contact or put an arm around him. The child will be more comfortable opening up if his mom can give her full attention. But if Mom can’t listen just then, she should tell him when she’ll be available.

Many children behave aggressively when something is bothering them. When children are able to express their feelings, they are less likely to hit or become aggressive. For example, a young child may yell and scream if she can’t figure out how to play a new game. Her parent could say, “I can see you’re really frustrated” and let her respond. If the parent can describe the child’s feelings in words, she’ll know her parent recognizes her frustration. Once she’s calm, she will be better able to work it out or to ask for help.

If parents listen to their kids when they’re young, the kids will be more likely to turn to their parents during their teen years when problems may become more serious. When children know they can release their strong feelings in a supportive home, they feel secure enough to express themselves honestly. The trust that is shared forms the basis for a closer parent-child relationship.

It’s important for parents to build time into each day to really listen to their kids—whether driving together in the car, tossing a ball in the yard or talking at bedtime. If parents can fine-tune their listening skills and reflect their children’s feelings, they’ll be better able to tune in to their kids’ lives.

Children And Tragedy

2005-09-26T17:42:00.000-05:00

Responding to Children When Tragedy Occurs

Helping Your Child Deal with Tragedy

The war in Iraq. The loss of space shuttle Columbia. The random acts of a sniper in Maryland and Virginia. The terrorist attacks of 9/11.

The loss of life and injuries from these events is devastating and frightening for us all. How can you, as a parent or guardian, deal with your child’s fear and anxiety that may not be easily expressed?

There is no single or easy answer.

How you respond should depend on whether members of your family have been personally involved, what your child has heard or seen on the news and the age of your child.

Tips for Helping Your Child

Children need to know there are real dangers in the world – whether it is Anthrax, smallpox, a sniper, plane crashes or children being abducted – but that grown-ups are working hard to make sure they are safe. Grown-ups in their world include parents, teachers, police officers and doctors. Of course, sensible precautions should be part of every child’s learning.

For example, turn off the TV when young children are around. Watching scenes of devastation and anguished adults is not healthy for young children. Provide reassurance that you love your child and that you are here to protect him or her. You can do that without discussing what is happening.

Here are some additional thoughts to consider:

* Maintain your daily family routines. Anxiety is “contagious”—particularly for young children. It will be helpful for your child to see that your world is not in chaos.
* Let your feelings show. The mixed feelings you may be experiencing—anger, sorrow, mourning—are likely being felt by your child, too. It’s OK for your child to see you expressing what you both are feeling. But if your feelings are out of control, you’ll want to limit how you express them around your child.
* Talk about it. Let your child know that these sorrowful feelings are normal and to be expected at a time like this.
* Listen to your child. Ask your child how he or she feels, what seems scary, and what worries him or her the most. And then, where possible, reassure your child about your family’s safety.
* Limit and monitor TV time. Find other activities to entertain your child—reading, watching videos, and playing games.
* Spend time with your child. Your presence alone will be comforting and provide an opportunity to talk about what happened. Some families find worshipping together, meditating, or otherwise spending time together to be particularly comforting.
* Express your love for your child.

What Should You Say to a Child

Determining the best way to talk about tragedies with your child will depend on your child’s ability to understand. Children who want to talk should be able to do so. Older children – those in middle and high school – should certainly have a safe place in which they can talk about their worries. But it is OK if they do not want to talk. They should not be forced into speaking about concerns.

* If your preschooler is unaware of what is going on, do not bring it up. A preschooler may ask questions about what he or she has heard or seen. Answer questions to the best of your ability, but provide only as much detail as your child needs.
* Before you start offering explanations to your school age child, find out what your child knows and what questions he or she has. That way, you can have a discussion about what your child is focused on.

When to Seek Professional Help

Children who are experiencing more than typical worry and display things like behavior problems, poor sleep and excessive anxiety should be carefully assessed. The first step would be for the parents to check their own communication of these worries to the child.

If parents are concerned about symptoms of anxiety or depression, they should consider seeking help for the child. Many children, but not every child, will get better if their parents convey the sense that the grown-ups are doing everything they can to make their world as safe as possible.

You should look for signs that your child may need extra help to get through this ordeal. It is normal to be troubled by these tragedies. However, your child may need professional help if his or her fears, anxieties, or changes in behaviors do not go away after a few days or persist beyond what you had anticipated. Children who have experienced other losses or trauma in their lives, such as the death of a close relative, physical abuse, or bullying, may have a stronger reaction to seeing and hearing about the tragedies such as the war in Iraq. Younger children may show signs of stress or aggression. Sleeping and eating habits may change as well.

If you think your child is having difficulty coping with current events, consult your child’s doctor or a mental health professional.

Bad Behavior

2005-09-24T06:17:00.000-05:00

Changing Bad Behavior

Calm, Clear Commands
If you tell your children to do something and they don’t do it, try this: Change your child’s behavior by using a calm, clear command. For example: Let’s say you told your child to turn off the TV and she ignored you. Follow these steps and command your child, “Turn off the TV now.”

How To Make Your Commands Work

1. Get close to your child and look at her.
2. Get down on her level and touch her gently.
3. Be calm, and tell her what to do.
4. Be clear.
5. Praise your child as soon as she does what you told her to do. For example: Five-year-old Ben is on top of the kitchen counter. Mother goes over to Ben, touches his arm and says quietly, “Ben, get off the counter now.” When Ben gets down, Mother says, “I like the way you listened and got off the counter.” She gives Ben a hug.

When to Ignore
When you don’t like what your child is doing but it is not causing harm, just ignore it! (For example: whining, making silly noises) You can respond by not responding. Children often stop bad behavior when you ignore them, since they are just looking for attention.

How to Ignore

1. Look away from your child.
2. Move away from your child.
3. Do not show any reaction.
4. Ignore your child completely.
5. Stay calm.
6. Make sure that other people in the room ignore the behavior.

Note: Parents should not ignore a child if he is causing physical harm.

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Time-Out
Use time-out to stop bad behavior and to help your child gain inner control. Do not use it as a punishment. Use it to help your child calm down.

Time-out works best for big behavior problems, like hitting or out-of-control screaming. Try using time-out when all else fails.

Using Time-Out

1. Calmly tell your child what he is doing wrong and how you want him to behave.
2. Put him in a quiet place for time-out. Facing the corner and bedrooms are not recommended. Use a special place like a chair in the hall or the last step of a staircase.
3. Keep your child in time-out for one minute per each year of your child’s age. It should last between 3–10 minutes. You can use a timer to keep track of the time.
4. Tell your child: “Time-out begins when you are quiet. You need to stay in a quiet place where you can calm down.”
5. Take your child to the time-out spot, stay calm and do not argue with him. Just let him know that he needs to gain control of his behavior. (It’s OK to sit with your child if that will help him calm down.)
6. When time-out is over, praise your child for gaining control.
7. Don’t lecture your child. Let him go back to what he was doing.

Sticker Charts
Let Kids Know: “Way to Go!”
Sticker charts reward children for good behavior. Tell children how the chart will work, and tell them how they have to behave to get their stickers. When they earn a certain number of stickers, give them a special reward that you have chosen together. Sticker charts can help your kids learn to make their beds, clean up, do homework, etc.

Using Sticker Charts:

1. Tell your child what he has to do to get a sticker. For example: He must make his bed each morning.
2. Make a chart with your child. Let him help make the chart and pick stickers (or you can just draw stars.)
3. Let your child help decide what reward he will get after he gets enough stickers on the chart.
4. Put a star or sticker on the chart each time he does what he is supposed to do.
5. Praise him as soon as possible.
6. Start by making it easy for him to get stickers.
7. Then add to the number of stickers it takes for your child to earn the reward.
8. Do not use a sticker chart for more than four weeks at a time.

Play Ball!

2005-09-23T09:30:00.000-05:00

Tips to give your child a sporting chance to play ball!

Your 4-year-old gravitates to gymnastics, your 8-year-old is smitten with soccer and your 11-year-old is fascinated by football. Encourage them to play! But do so with caution. Not every sport is appropriate for every age, so it’s important to select one that is safe and suited to your child.

Finding the fit
In fact, 50 percent of boys and 25 percent of girls between ages 8 and 16 play organized sports, yet 70 percent of them drop out by age 13. Why? Because they become discouraged with a game that is inappropriate and frustrating. “Sports need to be fun and well-supervised,” says Barbara Long, MD, a pediatrician at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh who has a specialization in sports medicine.“Don’t expect 6- or 8-year-olds to play organized games. Ever see 8-year-olds play soccer? It’s ‘herd football.’ The kids just follow the ball around. They aren’t yet at a level to strategize team plays.”

Be aware of coordination requirements.“If your young child is discouraged because she can’t set up or return a volleyball, look for another activity or noncompetitive team,” Dr. Long says. Consider these sports and the coordination and skills needed:

* Baseball: Children begin to learn to toss and catch the ball between 3–5, but don’t consider it as a team sport until between 5–9. Baseball doesn’t require much endurance, but it requires moderate strength and hand/eye coordination.
* Basketball: This sport is okay as a social game, but kids under age 11 usually can’t hit the high basket. Basketball requires good endurance and a high skill level.
* Football: Contact football generally is not dangerous because the children’s light weights don’t generate a lot of force during collisions. Kids need some endurance, moderate strength, speed and appropriate hand/eye coordination. Football is a complex set of skills and kids may not be ready for organized teams until at least 10.
* Soccer: Children begin to learn to kick the ball between 3–5. They need good endurance and should learn the basic skills of kicking and dribbling before starting organized competition.

Make safety a priority
In all sports with preadolescent children, the emphasis should be placed on having fun and building skills rather than competition. Before puberty, it’s okay for boys and girls to compete against one another, but adolescence is time for gender separation. This is when the gap between weight and strength widens, making coed sports more dangerous.

Get to know the coaches. Both parents and coaches need to make sure that the activity is developmentally appropriate, allows all children to participate, builds skills and is fun. This will help your child succeed on and off the field.

A sports physical is a good idea to ensure your child is physically able to play. The doctor will check the heart and lungs, examine the musculoskeletal system and can provide information about age-appropriate activities.

Newborns Hearing Problems

2005-09-22T16:48:00.000-05:00

Advanced technology can detect problems in newborns’ hearing.

Your newborn son is the picture of health. You’ve counted all his fingers and toes, but can you count on his hearing ability?

About five infants out of 1,000 have some degree of hearing loss. Until recently, these problems usually were not detected until the infant had grown, and language/communication ability was affected. But catching hearing loss early, by age 6 months, can greatly improve treatment results and decrease the likelihood of future communication problems.

Despite the benefits, universal infant screening is not currently required.“However, a committee including experts from the National Institutes of Health is advocating universal screening,” says Diane Sabo, PhD, clinical director of audiology at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh.“State Senator Charles Lemmond Jr. has sponsored a bill to mandate infant screenings in Pennsylvania.”

Types of screenings
Advanced technology is used to screen infants, who obviously cannot use language to communicate or respond to conventional hearing tests. The auditory brainstem response (ABR) test records how the nervous system responds to sounds, but can be time-consuming and expensive. A more recently developed test, called an otoacoustic emissions (OAE) test, takes minutes.

“Children’s was on the forefront of screening using OAEs,” notes Sabo.“About a year ago, we began OAE testing of all infants in our neonatal intensive care unit. We can follow up with the ABR test if needed.”

In addition to screening, Children’s provides the full range of evaluation, speech/language therapy and state-of-the-art treatment. For example, we can provide hearing aids for both children and infants. Children’s partners with an innovative early intervention program to teach parents how to stimulate their children for sound detection. Assistive devices, such as vibrating alarm clocks, can help older kids function independently. In certain cases of hearing loss, Children’s can even perform advanced cochlear implant surgery.

Funny Kid Pictures

2005-09-21T13:44:00.000-05:00

FUNNY KID PICTURES

Kid Kraziness

2005-09-20T09:13:00.000-05:00

EAT YOUR FINGERS!

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?

WEDDING COLORS

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

LITTLE JOHNNY

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted."Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Johny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either . Johnny
was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go
church.

"Just be home in time for dinner", his mother said.

Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO

Have a wonderful day and don't forget to hug your kids!

Positive Self-Worth

2005-09-19T07:16:00.000-05:00

Positive Self-Worth

What is Self-Worth?
Positive self-worth means feeling good about yourself. It helps you grow into a happy and confident person.

Building Self-Worth
How you treat your children affects the way they feel about themselves. When children feel good about themselves, they have a high sense of self-worth. One of the most important things parents can do for their children is to build their self-worth.

What Builds Self-Worth?

Your physical responses to your children (hugs, kisses, high-fives)
What you say to your children (“I love you,” or “I’m proud of you.”)
How you feel about yourself (I’m trying hard to be a good parent.)
How your children are treated by other kids
How your children are treated by other adults – teachers, relatives, babysitters, etc.

You are your children’s advocates. Stand up for your kids.

How Kids Feel When They Have Self-Worth

I am loved, no matter what happens to me.
I can do things by myself.
I have something to offer to others.
I count!

Children need to feel good about themselves. When you care about your children, they learn to care about themselves. Your respect for your children becomes their self-respect. Believe in your children!

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Praise
Praise is one of the best ways you can influence your children’s behavior. When you praise, tell your children exactly what they did that you liked.

When you praise your child:

Move close to your child and look at him.
Smile and say what you liked. For example: “I really like the way you put your books away.”
Praise the behavior, not the child.
Show affection. (hug, high-five)
Praise right away. For example: Three-year-old Joshua shows his father a painting he made at school. Father tells him, “Joshua, what a pretty picture. I like the way you used blue and green and made a happy face. Tell me about it!” Father then proudly hangs the picture for everyone to see.

Words of Praise

I like being with you.
It makes me feel good when you…!
I can’t wait to tell mom/dad what a great job you did!
Boy, that’s something I want to write to grandma/grandpa about!
You go girl!
You’re acting so grown up.
How thoughtful!
I’m glad you’re my son/daughter.
I’m so proud of you!
That must make you feel good!
You really handled that well.
I like it when you…(smile, listen quietly).
Excellent!
You’re something else!
Your laughter makes me laugh on the inside!
You’re so special to me.
You worked really hard on that!
Fantastic!
You really know how to pitch in and help!
I’m so impressed!
Outstanding!
You’re tops with me!
You really like doing that!
I knew you had it in you!
I’m proud of you when you try your best.
You have been special from the day you were born.
There’s no one else like you anywhere!
You’re all that!
I can’t believe how lucky I am to have you as a son/daughter.
That deserves a hug.
Thanks for sharing that with me.
You have so much to offer!
When you do things like that, it makes everybody happy.
You’re terrific!
Awesome!
You deserve a hand for that!
You’re a star in my eyes!
I really admire it when you…!
It touches my heart when you…!
I will always remember how well you did that.
Cool!
Only you could do it that way!
It makes everyone feel good when you…!
You’re the man!
Incredible!
It makes me feel great to see you solve your problems.
You did it!
That should make the evening news!
You deserve a reward for that!
Do you know how much I love you?

Kids Kapers!

2005-09-18T08:26:00.000-05:00

The Worm

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn't eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn't work. A little pleading, to
no avail.

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, "Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You're not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave."

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said "OK. I'll eat but I have some conditions. First, I'll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you'll share with me."

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he'd like. "Worms!" said Josh.

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn't want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. "Not that many, just one," yelled Josh as he saw the plate.

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, "OK, now eat!"

Josh refused as he sobbed, "No way! You ate my half!"

Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.

It's So Hard to Quit!

Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds.

Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"

He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's so hard to quit."

Note: With Halloween right around the corner, be sure and check out our great line of Halloween apparel and gifts for your kids.

Darn Kids!

2005-09-16T08:33:00.000-05:00

Mommy, Will You Sleep With Me?

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."

Dog Care

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"

Queen Size

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,

"Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"